Over and Over Again
by I hate the snow
Summary: What if you were given a second chance at life? You had a second chance to make things right, to fix problems before they start, and save people you love? **Warning** This is a blanket trigger warning - this story contains racial slurs, has a racist character, and other mature content. Not for sensitive readers or those under the age of 18.
1. Shelter

They found solace in an old hotel. It was months after the fall of the farm. They had lost friends along the way, but gained new ones.

Hershel was still emotionally wounded by the loss of the home that was a part of his family for generations, Beth was reeling from seeing Jimmy torn apart in front of her, and Rick still deeply grieved the loss of his friend since childhood, Shane Walsh.

During the unforgiving summer months, they met Tyreese Williams and his sister, Sasha, Bob Stookey, a physician who was mourning his wife and children, retired Marine Abraham Ford, also a recent widower and childless father, and a self-proclaimed scientist, Eugene Porter.

The hotel, which Andrea said reminded her of "The Shining," was in the middle of nowhere. It was a fraction of the size of the hotel Stephen King made famous, but it had a fully stocked pantry, and a water tank on the roof that allowed them to take showers and a gas stove that let them make hot food.

Boxes that looked like they had once been stacked in rows but had toppled and fallen, leaving behind this shapeless and monstrous pile of just random objects, swelling and taking over the entire floor with just piles and piles of trash. The once pristine paint was peeling in several places; cobwebs were building up on the ceiling. The entire place was little bit too close to run down, but it was still four walls and a roof.

Rick, Abe, Glenn and Daryl went room-by-room, floor-by-floor and cleared the five-story building before deciding to take the fifth floor in order to get a better view of not only stray walkers, but also any living beings who may need shelter.

* * *

In a world that was forgotten and ruled by the dead, the small comfort of hot coffee in the morning was a luxury. The stove provided some heat, as did the fireplace in the middle of the lobby.

For safety reasons, they all had rooms close together. If anyone needed help, someone was there right away. Those who were part of a couple - Daryl and Beth, Hershel and Carol, Maggie and Glenn, Bob and Sasha and Michonne and Ty would hang the "do not disturb" sign on the doorknob when they needed privacy.

The old hotel relied on traditional keys, not electronic cards, allowing them access to any room they needed. After months of sleeping on the ground, they were happy to get their own beds.

Ty and Michonne would frequently retreat to their room to fulfill their desire for each other, expressing their newfound love as often as they could.

Two rooms away, Maggie and Glenn, newly engaged and unknowingly expecting their first child, crawled into bed after a shower, albeit a cold one.

One couple, who were struggling to hold onto the smoldering remains of their marriage, was Rick and Lori Grimes. Although they shared a bed and a room with their son, the emptiness between them was endless. Initially he forgave his wife for sleeping with Shane. But one misunderstanding led to the two of them living on opposite ends of the world. She tried countless times to say she was sorry and ask for his forgiveness. It was no use.

Whenever she would walk into a room he would leave right away. He would sit as far away as he could at the dinner table. Although he would be in her bed that night, he would sleep so far away he would be almost hanging off the side. She was seven months along, and morning sickness turned into day-long nausea. She would vomit in the bathroom late at night, and when she came back into the dark room they would make fleeting eye contact, only to have him turn around without saying a word.

She remembered back to their college days. Sharing a twin sized bed, wrapped in each other's arms. Now, a queen-sized bed is too small for them. Bob would often express his concern, telling her she's very dehydrated and malnourished. She shuddered as she slipped under the cool sheets and half-buried her face in the pillow, trying to stifle another sob.

She had to pretend he wasn't everything to her and that she wasn't a fool for letting him hold onto her heart. But it hurt. He didn't roll over and asked if she was okay; she knew he wouldn't. Still, she hoped he would. She ignored the gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be.

* * *

Rick wouldn't listen to Hershel, who was widowed twice. Morgan, Abe and Bob tried to talk to him too, all having lost not just their wives but also children. Michonne, who lost her boyfriend and child, tried to lecture him that he needs to emotionally support his pregnant wife, but still, he wouldn't pay attention.

But he would watch her. When she wasn't looking at him, he would watch her. He watched as the light slowly disappeared from her smile, the sparkle in her eyes going away with it. Her smile always seemed forced now, almost as if it physically hurt her to produce one. It used to be the easiest thing in the world to do, to make her smile. One of his favorite things as well. She was losing herself and becoming a shell of the person, she used to be.

He saw the utter heartbreak on her face, and the echo of her sobbing in the bathroom left an impression in his mind. He knew it all was his doing. He knew he had complete control of the situation, and he was manipulating her as if she was a marionette and he held her stings.

He could remember the exact moment his wife begged him to talk to her, a quiet murmur that slipped past her lips. "We can work this out. Please, give us a chance." It was a humid Georgia night, the air thick with the stench of rotting bodies and no hint of a fresh breeze. He heard how her voice cracked, but without making eye contact, he turned his back and walked away.

And for some reason, although he knew it was wrong, it did not deter him. He did not stop his games. In fact, he reveled in the knowledge that he was in charge.

* * *

Weeks passed, and after multiple supply runs afforded them food and weapons, the once cold, strange building started to feel a bit like home.

Morning were spent around the table as a larger, hap-hazard family, discussing plans for the day.

One day, over cold oatmeal and hot coffee, Abe spoke up. "Me and Ty looked through the phone book at the desk. We found an electronic store not too far from here. If we can get a couple solar panels and hook them up to the roof, we'll have hot water and maybe even clean cloths."

Carol smiled broadly. "Washing by hand is rough. I miss my Maytag back home."

Andrea, who never passed on a moment to make herself the center of attention, rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated gasp.

"Something you'd like to say, dear?" Carol asked, annoyed as soon as her eyes landed on the woman.

"What would you have me do?

"Oh, there's plenty of work to go around."

"Are you serious? Everything falls apart, you're in my face over skipping laundry?"

"Puts a burden on the rest of us. On me, Lori, and Beth. Cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids."

"Carl's fine on his own. He's are the only kid left, right? You need a full-time babysitter for one little brat?

"We need someone who can care for someone other than herself." Michonne snapped. "I've got enough to do, Nipsy." Michonne stood quickly, knocking her chair over backwards. Her face was in the shape of a harsh scowl, and her hands were clenched in tight fists. Sensing an impending altercation, Ty stood, wrapped his arm around his woman and led her away. While Rick pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, wanting to be anywhere but at the table. "I can't help it if she can't control her emotions." The blonde sneered, to the aghast glares of the other members of the family.

* * *

Most afternoons were spent preparing for the evening and the following days. The men took turns chopping wood with an axe while enjoying the cool breeze with just a hint of a sign of the upcoming winter.

In the evenings, they gathered in the lobby, the couches pushed together in a semi-circle which allowed everyone to stay together. A grandfather clock sat ticking on the far side of the living room, frozen at two-seventeen.

It was awkwardly quiet, but everyone together sat by the fireplace, just happy that they had a roof over their head and food in their stomachs. Despite creature comforts, however, some of the men couldn't shake the feeling of dread that held a firm grasp onto their gut.


	2. Broken

As the sun broke the next morning, Lori laid in her bed, alone. She stayed awake all night, waiting for Rick to join her. He wasn't on duty, and every second that ticked by confirmed her fear…he was with _her_.

A constant self-doubt wouldn't let her rest. Maybe she wasn't pretty enough. Maybe she wasn't a good enough cook, or not good enough in bed.

Carl was feet away, softly snoring.

Her mind took her back to when she and Rick first met, in high school biology class.

 _Unlike other teenage girls who were overly dramatic about reaching into a dissection specimen bag, Lori would do so with interest. Her lab partner, Rick Grimes, was pleased to see how independent she seemed to be. The one-year age difference didn't seem to matter, as a lunch "date" in the cafeteria soon turned into more serious dating out of school._

 _Rick was first to get his driver's license, and the two would make frequent trips to the Eagles Nest quarry, a quiet, secluded spot that gave them the privacy they needed._

 _"_ _I love you." Rick was the first to say._

 _"_ _I love you too. We're like, soulmates." She replied._

She grimaced at the memory. She still loved the idea of soulmates, and loved seeing her parents together, loving and doting on each other. She admired the way that their whole face lit up when they would see each other, even after decades of marriage. She also remembered the heartbreak on her mother's face when her father died of a sudden heart attack. Lori and her sister spent hours with their mother, trying to off the precipice of depression on which she dangled.

Maybe that's when Rick started to resent her. Carl was just a baby, and she had to split her time between her duties at home and caring for her mother.

She was wracked with guilt. "If only." If only she refused Shane's advances. If only she tightened her embrace when Rick revealed that he killed their friend. If only she was better. If only she was more attentive.

She led Carl, comic books in hand, to one of the couches in the lobby before she went to the kitchen. Sasha and Michonne took turns making breakfast while the estranged Missus Grimes sat with Carol.

Lori looked into her tea cup while Carol ran her hand down the brunette's back, both women knowing the heartache of living through a dead marriage.

"I think that your trying to run away, but the reason you want to leave should be the very reason you stay." Carol said. "You still care about him."

Lori slowly nodded, trying to find a smile. "It's an ache that never goes away," she said, softly,

"I know, honey. But it's easier when there are people to help you. There's nothing that's going to bring him back to you, but you're still here. You're still breathing. You still have friends and people who care for you. We all love you, Lori. Don't waste away like this."

The grey-haired beauty covered Lori's hand with her own. The latter found herself melting at the touch, and not for the first time, was glad that they're friends.

"Please, Lori, if you need any of us, we're always here."

Lori nodded again, accepting her affection. If she had looked up and just feet to the right, she would have seen Rick, listening to every word from the Butler's Pantry off the kitchen.

Michonne walked over and bend down over Lori, wrapping protective arms around the woman. "Lori, listen. It's not gonna be easy, to stop how you feel. But you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who cares about you and ONLY you. Don't give him another chance. Move on and find that guy who will treat you better than any other person has in your life. Please, whatever you do, don't settle for Rick because you think nobody else will love you. Somebody better is out there, I promise you."

Lori nodded. "I don't know what it's like to be happy anymore." She whispered.

The three women gathered around Lori, holding her hand, rubbing her shoulder and whispering words of comfort.

As Rick entered the kitchen he looked over at Lori and she felt a chill run up her back.

"I gotta be somewhere." Michonne uttered, desperate to get away from the once decorated sheriff.

"I'll join you." Lori said suddenly, using her hands to pull herself up from the table and walked away with Michonne's protective arm around her waist.

Carol watched as the ladies left the room, then immediately turned to Rick and hissed. "Get your head out of your ass and DO something! The worst thing Ed ever did was give me the silent treatment. That was almost as bad as the punches. She made ONE mistake, and you won't let her forget it. Get over it. My God. What the hell is wrong with you? How would you feel if she died tomorrow?"

He left the room without another word.


	3. Trouble

On the night when their entire world changed, Rick, Morgan, Daryl and Glenn were standing watch. They were in different rooms, looking out the windows, making sure every inch of the property was safe from every direction. After more than an hour being in the same room as the sheriff, Glenn decided to move one room over to get away from him. The silence when Rick was around was almost painful.

This was her chance. One look around, and nobody there to see her. She could hear his snoring from outside the room. Being very quiet, she inserted the key and turned it to the right, listening for the click.

She slipped into the room that T shared with Morgan. Thanks to numerous clients who teetered on the line of the law, she picked up special tips in favors for legal favors.

Andrea knew how to properly cut a throat. Slicing wasn't right. Into the carotid artery, then down, not across. Snap the vocal cords so the victim can't scream. She gripped her hunting knife tightly before jamming the tip through T-Dogg's jugular. She jerked downward and out, ripping open his throat and severing the flow to his brain _._

She loved seeing a man in the throes of death. Not taking the chance that he would turn his head and get blood on her, she held the pillow over his face until he stopped moving. It was then she plunged it into T's temple, and stood back to admire what she did.

She took a white towel from the bathroom, dipped it into the pool of blood near T's neck and wrote "nigger" on the wall.

She quietly left the room, and squeezed the towel, so that blood drops led from T's room to Lori's. She squeezed the towel again, letting blood drops drip onto the dated gold and crimson carpeting outside the woman's room before walking away with the cloth in her hand.

She went back to her room and lifted the mattress and tossed the washcloth underneath, where nobody would find it.

After taking a quick shower, she slipped into bed, with Sasha, her roommate, still gently snoring. She smiled as she looked forward to the chaos in the morning.

* * *

Morgan was the first one to scream. Footsteps echoed through the hallway as people raced to see what happened. Daryl was the first to notice the blood trail leading to Lori's room, and when Rick saw what happened, he used his fist to pound on the door, demanding she open it.

* * *

T's body was wrapped up in a sheet, and gently taken outside. The icy weather and the thin coat of snow covering the frozen ground made it impossible to dig a proper grave.

He was put near the tree line and covered by an old white sheet. As they filtered back inside, most wanted to stay together, gathering in the lobby.

Michonne sat with Lori on the sofa in the middle, consoling the brunette as she unleashed a landslide of emotions. The latter kept saying that she didn't do it. She had no idea what happened or how the blood ended up outside her room.

"Bullshit!" yelled Rick. The first word he said directly to her in months.

Daryl stepped up and said the situation looked weird. It looked planted.

"So, you're saying this is some kind of soap opera set up? We're not an episode of CSI, Daryl. She's gonna have to explain this."

"Rick, I didn't do it! T was a friend of mine. He helped me when you ignored me. I loved him. I didn't do anything!"

"You loved him. Did you fuck him too? You fucking WHORE!" He whipped out his Colt Python and put it to her head. "I should shoot you right now, you fucking bitch."

"Dad...no!" Rick turned around and saw Carl, in tears. The pre-teen stood protectively in front of his mother before sitting by her, shedding his own tears.

"Rick, put the gun away. Right now. That's your pregnant wife." said Hershel. "You need to stop this. Why are you angry at the world when the world won't notice?"

Merle and Abe stepped forward to force the gun out of his hand.

"Yeah, and who's the father? Who, Lori...Fucking whore." He tore off his wedding ring and threw it at her. It hit her cheek before falling on the floor.

He stormed out of the room, Daryl not too far behind.

"You're a fucking idiot, Rick. You just put a loaded gun to Lori's head. Can't tell you how many times my dad did that to my ma. You're a cop, man. Put your anger towards her away and try to figure out what happened."

They went to the room Lori shared with Carl. _His family._ Carol opened the shades at the nearest window, allowing for some sunlight to filter in. It was enough to allow the lawman to see the end of the blood trail, stopping right outside the door.

After entering the room, they inspected the lighter colored carpet. There was no trace of blood, nothing in the sink or tub.

Carol joined Daryl and repeated what he said. "Rick, something doesn't add up. Why would Lori kill T? She's your wife, no matter how much you hate her. You know her better than anyone else here does. Do you really think she would do that? Out of the blue kill one of us?"

Daryl, who grew up in an abusive household, didn't take as gently an approach. "Good job Rick, you just scarred your kid for life." Daryl sneered, and walked away in disgust.

He passed Andrea in the hallway, who was walking with her head tall and a smirk on her face.

She tried to avoid Carol's glare as she wrapped her arms around Rick and whispered in his ear, "You never really know someone, don'tcha. Who'd known she was such a spiteful bitch?"

"Andrea, this doesn't involve you. Mind your own business." Carol warned.

Rick suddenly freed himself from Andrea's grasp and ran to the lobby, the two women not far behind.

Lori was still crying while she remained in her spot on the sofa. Carl had her hand in his while Michonne was rubbing her back.

"I didn't do it. I didn't do it." she kept repeating, in sobs.

"I believe you." said Michonne.

"Me too" said Maggie.

"Me too." repeated Beth.

"The situation doesn't add up." said Hershel.

She had curled up on the couch next to Michonne, who her arms wrapped around Lori's shoulders, with brunette's face pressed against her shoulder.

Michonne glared at Rick when he stormed into the room. She sighed, patted Lori's back and murmured, "Rick is here."

Rick walked over and ordered Lori to stand up. Abe and Ty stepped forward to diffuse a potential fight.

"Are those the pajamas you wore last night?"

"Yes." Lori said, looking at Rick in panic and fear.

"Carl...is that right?"

"Yes." He said, finally fearful of his father.

He went over to Lori and grabbed her arms. "Turn around." He flung her around, almost knocking her over. Before Michonne could take a hold of her friend, Andrea chimed in.

"Not everyone stoops to your level."

Ignoring the other woman, Lori continued, "Rick...I didn't do anything."

"Yea I get it...you never do anything." She turned around, and they were face to face. Rick's face was red with anger and he spat as he yelled at her. "You never DO anything. You use that fucking bastard in your gut to get out of cooking, cleaning and going on supply runs. You've NEVER done anything with your life. Except ruin mine. I shoudda left you at the farm to get torn apart. You're a petty, pathetic little cunt. I wish I never met you. I hate you. You say you didn't do it? Bullshit. Bullshit. You bitch. You trapped me in a useless marriage. I wanted you to have an abortion. I never wanted to marry you. I never wanted a child with you. I wanted you to have an abortion, but you refused."

"Dad?" Carl asked, as he looked at his father with tears in his eyes.

He threw Lori back down on the couch and into Michonne's arms. She was shaking violently, and watched as Rick walked off as fast as he came into the room.

Andrea wanted to add her thoughts, "you're such a virulent racist, Lori. No wonder Rick hates you so much."

* * *

The rest of the day was spent in silence. Dinner that evening was hell. The silence was deafening. Rick was focused on his plate, not making eye contact with anyone. Lori barely ate, and was weepy the entire time, replaying the conversation with Rick in her mind.

Carl glared at his father, the once comatose man over whom he once cried was now at the receiving end of a look of pure hatred.

Rick finished his beer, and left the table. Andrea loved the feeling of superiority. She was the one who was the better option, the one he can be with by choice rather than obligation. With her eyes on Lori, she excused herself to join Rick upstairs.

Lori broke down in deep sobs, and Ty, who was sitting next to her, pulled her into a hug. Everyone filtered away from the table until mother and son, Ty and Michonne were the only ones remaining.


	4. What we had

_"Rick Grimes, mister police officer." Lori slurred the words out between giggles, one arm draped heavily around Rick's neck. The room was dimly lit, Lori's bright eyes stark in Rick's vision,_

 _"But not…not anymore!" She raised her voice, her tone becoming oddly serious, and Rick could only roll his eyes. He was getting a few odd glances from across the room, not knowing how low of an alcohol tolerance Lori would have._

 _"No, now you're... Rick Grimes, Deputy Sheriff."_

 _The surprise promotion party had been Shane's idea, something proposed that had snowballed into friends and family being crammed into the latter's living room, simply because his house large enough to accommodate everyone._

 _Lori was drunk and Shane had disappeared into the small crowd surrounding the new flat screen tv, leaving the newlyweds alone._

 _Rick eased Lori onto the couch before joining her. In that moment, he was more enamored with his bride than the cheering for the football game in the next room._

 _"And what does that make you?" He whispered, looking at his bride with pure love and affection in his eyes._

 _"Aww…Sheriff, I've been a bad girl. You may have to use those handcuffs." She stated, before breaking into a fit of giggles._

 _He cupped either side of Lori's face and abruptly pressed his mouth to hers. Rick broke from her lips to kiss down her jaw when her tone soon changed, and she stated flatly, "promise me."_

 _She moved her legs so that she was straddling her husband's lap and leaned in closer, her nose brushing against Rick's jaw, warm breath spilling over his neck. "Promise me you'll be careful. I love you so much, if you get hurt it'd kill me."_

 _"I'll be fine."_

 _Lori raised her head, gently moving the hand on Rick's chest to his chin and turning it so that their eyes could meet. her expression was etched deep with an odd mix of concentration and gratitude. After a long silence, her red painted lips parted as tears welled in her eyes._

 _"Promise me." She slurred, her breath thick with whiskey and her tears running down her face._

 _"I'll be careful. I've got you to come home to every day."_

 _Lori's eyes fluttered shut as their mouths crashed together that was part fury, part lust and all passion._

* * *

He felt a twinge in his stomach when he woke up, alone in his own room after another argument with Andrea. Rick pushed himself to sit up, kneading his temples with his palms as though it could soothe him. Every nerve him felt restless. It was as though he was living the same day, over and over again.

He took a long look at his left hand, bare for the first time in over sixteen years. He realized it was easier to stay angry then to move on. His wife, their son, and their soon-to-be-born baby were alive and safe, and they lived under the same roof.

But now everything was different. It's different because Lori can barely smile these days. It's different because when he looked into her eyes, he didn't see happiness anymore. He saw despair and fear.

Everything hurt; even his clothing was too heavy and rough. His guilt was still weighing heavily on his mind, dragging him to places he would rather not be.

They were madly, hopelessly and agonizingly in love with each other. It was in the quiet of the morning that he had time to think about the past year. His wife. The way he avoided her when she needed him. Exhaustion and loss weigh heavily upon him. He thought about all the people he was tasked with protecting, and how many are gone.

He dreamed of the way life used to be. When he and Lori were happy. Before the petty fights. Before the world ended. Before Shane. Before Andrea.

Nothing was the same anymore; everything felt wrong. He was off center, as if his whole life was moving on a different axis, but he could no longer feel it.

But he was still angry.

* * *

Breakfast was painfully awkward. Rick and Andrea were the last to get to the table and sat next to each other, Rick watching Lori while wrapping his arm around the blonde.

Lori noticed Andrea's smile…she could see it in the woman's eyes. And she knew – she didn't dare ask, but Rick's relaxed shoulders, as well as the gleam in her eyes, had already told her what she didn't want to know. She hated herself. And she hated Rick for making her hate herself.

She pretended she didn't see the longing and regret etched on his face in the dim glow of the kitchen. She pretended he wasn't everything and that she wasn't a fool for trying to tear her heart away from his grasp.

"Is there a reason you're so far along and still in regular clothes?" Michonne asked, snapping Lori out of her trance.

Lori shrugged her shoulders as she picked at the fake woodgrain laminate on the table.

"Okay. Who's up for a supply run? We've got to get the pregnant woman some clothes." She announced.

"Don't bother...don't risk it. It's not worth your safety." Rick declared.

Andrea giggled.

It made her want to scream. If everything could just go back to the way it was... and that hurts more than anything. What could have been.

"Not worth our safety to make your WIFE more comfortable? We were going to get clothes and stuff for your baby...is that not worth it?" As she walked away she mumbled "Jackass."

* * *

Rick and Ty took turns with the one axe they had to cut the large branches into smaller blocks for the fireplace.

Taking advantage of the sunny winter day, the worked in awkward silence, not having anything to say to each other. A cold breeze would make their sweat slick skin shudder, and the body of T-Dogg, lying feet away at the tree line, was a constant reminder of the changed world they now occupied.

Finally, Ty's face lit up when a dark blue minivan pulled into the parking lot. He dropped the block of wood he was holding and walked over to greet Michonne.

"Hey baby." He smiled.

"Hey yourself." She replied, with a kiss. "Wait until you see what we got. There's a Babies R Us not too far away. It was Merle's idea to drive the van into the place so we'd be safe. We got everything. Clothes, diapers, baby formula, a crib, bottles, you name it."

"Waste of time. She's gonna breastfeed." Rick sneered.

With those words, Michonne became undone.

"Didn't she have a C-section with Carl?"

Rick didn't answer.

"Hello? Am I talking to the living or the dead?" She snapped, waving her hand in front of his face.

"Alright, I'll just talk to the wind. "She's probably gonna need one with this baby. She's high risk, and may not survive the delivery. We got the formula and bottles in case that baby doesn't have a mother. It barely has a father. What the fuck is wrong with you? How much longer will you play this game? This is the end of the world. And you don't care."

"You don't understand the situation." Rick mumbled.

"I understand perfectly. You got your feelings hurt. She apologized. Stop being such a fucking idiot." She turned to Ty. "I'm done. I'm done with him. Maybe he'll be sorry when he's standing over Lori's dead body. Then again maybe he'll just piss on her."

Ty just stared at Rick before he walked away, with Merle and Daryl. They went inside the hotel, leaving Rick alone outside. Conflicting emotions were warring inside him, and he was trying to bury them with anger.

* * *

Abe and Eugene had finished hooking up the solar panels to the electric grid, and almost everyone all but screamed in celebration at the hot water coming out of the tap.

"I'm gonna take a hot bath tonight!" Carl said with a smile.

"Hot food…hell, even using the washing machine. It took the end of the world to make what was once a bother now the best thing!" Carol gloated.

"We should still be mindful of the lights. Keep them low at night." Hershel added, solemnly.

* * *

Michonne was in the room she shared with Ty, waiting for Lori to finish her hot shower.

As the brunette toweled off, Michonne laid out the new maternity clothes she selected just for her.

Lori got into new panties, a pair of black, shape-hugging sweatpants, and a dark green shirt.

"You doin' alright?"

"I think so." She answered, a tight smile across her mouth.

"He'll come around. It just takes time."

Lori sighed and started, "Well, maybe I don't want to put it back together. I've gone seven months without him looking at me or talking to me, and he's worse. I think he's messing around with Andrea. The more I've been thinking about it, the more I think I want to do it on my own. He's my husband in name only. He hasn't even given me a hug in the past seven months, or listened to the baby's heartbeat. He hasn't even put his hand on my stomach to feel his baby move. I'll live on another floor with Carl, but I think I want to do it on my own. It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. You just gotta do it. I'm sick of being treated like shit."

Michonne clapped her hands together and took Loti into a tight embrace. "That's my girl. Right there. I'm so happy you said that."

"Thank you so much, for everything, 'Chonne."

"You're welcome. Someone has to take care of you, and I don't think dipshit can do it."

* * *

Her own sobs covered the light moaning she didn't hear as she pushed open the unlocked door to her room.

They hadn't noticed her, so she just watched them. She was unable to look away from the way Rick's back as it tensed up and relaxed each time he thrusted, and she had no intention of stopping what was happening.

She cleared her throat nervously, tugging on her emerald green sleeve. Andrea turned her head and gasped before she started to giggle.

Rick yelled at her to leave the room before grabbing a pillow and covering himself.

"Talk about a buzzkill." Andrea added, coyly tracing the outline of Rick's bicep.

Finally finding her voice, Lori snapped.

"Alright, Andrea, you want him? He's all yours. Just hope he doesn't get you pregnant or else he'll treat you like shit for nine months."

"At least she won't be banging Shane behind my back. I was gone for only two weeks, Lori. Two weeks versus almost two decades of marriage."

"What are you talking about? I told you Shane was just a one-time thing."

"Oh, that's not what I heard. You two were pretty cozy at the quarry."

"Rick, Shane was my shoulder to cry on. That's it. I was mourning you. I was crying for you because I was terrified that our baby would never know his daddy."

Rick cast a long look at his wife before turning his head and glaring at the bothersome blonde.

"Oh...don't look at me." She chuffed, playing with one of her blonde curls. "I remember my exact words….'what would you do if I told you I saw them together.' It was a hypothetical question. And remember, mister police officer, I'm the attorney. I have more education and training than you do. I know what my words mean. Maybe it's time you're with a real woman, not some house frau."

Lori grimaced, but stood her ground. Rick ripped the white flat sheet from the mattress and covered himself before moving ten feet over to Carl's bed.

"You lied to me." He glared at Andrea, his words dripping with venom.

"Well, dear, it's not like you needed a lot of convincing. But like I said. Andrea, you want him? He's all yours. I knew you were having sex, but I didn't know you'd be disgusting enough to have it where I sleep."

Lori shook her head in disgust while she tore off her wedding and engagement rings, where she proudly wore them for almost two decades. She threw them at the curvy blonde, hitting her in the face.

"You can take this piece of shit too." She added, as she grasped onto the end of her necklace, tearing it from her neck.

"The only thing I want right now is the past twenty years back. I was the one who put up with his alcoholic father. That man was the bane of my existence. He drove both his wife and son to suicide. He treated them like shit, just like Rick has been acting to me. Ask your boyfriend, he responded to both calls. He was the one to see his brother's brain matter all over the wall after the guy ate a bullet. His mom? She slit her wrists. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, because your sweetie pie here has treated me exactly the way his dad treated his mom. There's no cops to call now, so nobody will call when he drives you to the point when you put a gun in your mouth."

As she started to leave the room, Rick asked her to wait.

"Are you serious right now? I just caught you having sex with this whore, and you think you're gonna explain your way outta this? Fuck off, Rick. You and blondie deserve each other."

She pulled the door with so much force it slammed into the threshold, sounding like a bomb detonating.

She made it three doors down, to Michonne's room before she broke down in deep sobs.

* * *

Later, Lori went to her room and started packing her clothes and Carl's. Rick came into the room and startled her when he asked what she was doing. She put her hands up and backed away from him in fear. They were the only two in the room.

"Stay away from me, Rick." She said, as she walked backwards until her back hit the wall. "I'm moving to another room. Me and Carl. We don't feel safe with you."

"You don't feel safe with ME? Why should anyone feel safe with YOU?"

"I give up Rick. I give up. I'm telling you I didn't do it. I'm sorry you don't believe me. We've been together for over twenty years. The past few years have been rough. The past year pure shit. Do you really think I would kill someone? I know you hate me, and I wish you would just punch me and get it over with. Take out your anger on me like you did with Shane when you dropped off Randal. And if I may remind you, I was the only one to support you during that time. I was the one who stood up for you when everyone blamed you for losing Sophia in the woods. And I was the one to stand up for you when Hershel said you were responsible for losing the farm. Your girlfriend, she's the one who said you're useless and you are responsible for everyone dying. From Amy and Jim to Dale and Jacqui...she was the one who blamed you. I told her to go to hell. You didn't like the way I looked at you when I heard Hershel might kick us off the farm. You were pissed, but got over it. When I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with a high-risk pregnancy and bring a baby into this world, you reacted with shock and horror on your face. But we got over it. I reacted the same way when you said you killed Shane...I was shocked and scared. And you've treated me like shit for months."

She stepped backward and outstretched her arms to the side.

"Well, the bastard and I are right in front of you. I won't punch back. Do what you want. Let's just get it over with. You and I are through. We had a nice thirteen years. Shane was a mistake. It was by the side of the road, I was scared, and just wanted to be in your arms. He told me you were dead. One night one thing led to another, and he was all too happy to push me on the ground. I got my period the next day. One week later you came back. We had sex five times in twenty-four hours. We couldn't get enough of each other because we were in love. That night at the CDC? After we left our room and you went to talk to Jenner and you got drunk, Shane confronted me in the game room. He tried to rape me. That's how he got the scratches on his neck. Do you remember that?"

She fell silent.

Rick fell silent, briefly lost in the memory of the haze of the hangover at the CDC. He remembered the scratch marks.

"Because he was angry that you were back and he wanted me for himself. He TRIED to rape me. He didn't. There is no question about it, this is YOUR baby. This is YOUR bastard. I was almost raped while you were getting drunk with a man you knew for a few hours. I'm not sorry that I didn't have an abortion, because I love Carl. I'm sorry that he has you as a father. And I'm sorry that you are my husband. I've tried, Rick. I'm sorry not everything in life can be perfect, I was never perfect but I never did anything to intentionally hurt you and you had no right to do what you did to me. I'm scared because I hate you. But I do miss you, I'd be lying if I said I didn't. And sometimes I like to pretend that you miss me and what we had. I like to think that you lie awake at night and wonder about how we could have been. Because I do. Have a nice life with Andrea, hopefully she won't ruin your life like I did. I hope that you will love her with all you that you have, because you never loved me."

Rick shook his head and was about to speak before Michonne entered the room.

"You okay, Lor?"

"I'm fine. Thanks 'Chonne."

She turned her attention back to Rick.

"So, here we are, Rick. This is the end of our marriage. Punch me if you want, call me a fucking whore if you want, shoot me in the head, do whatever. Just get it over with. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. We are playing a game. We shared the same bed, but I know you didn't want to be there. I smelled her perfume when you come to sleep with me. I'd rather be on my own than be with you. Next time you go down on Andrea, just picture your wife, pregnant with YOUR bastard, is just a few rooms away. Go fuck Andrea, and sleep in her bed. You're out of mine."

She wiped away angry tears before adding, "Come on. One punch. Give me a kick to the gut and kill your bastard. I won't fight back. I'm done, Rick. And so are we."


	5. The Problem with Andrea

Andrea Harrison wasn't a kind woman by any stretch of the imagination, and she didn't care about stepping on people's toes or hurting their feelings. She never cared much for others, instead she would twist them to suit her purposes.

She was born to two physicians and enjoyed the perks of being an only child for nine years. During that time, she was taken on vacations across the country and the world with her parents. Since her parents felt guilty for letting their jobs consume their lives, they gave their daughter anything she wanted.

Her world stopped when she was ten, when her mother gave birth to another child. Soon all the attention her parents, aunts and uncles rained upon her was turned to "the baby."

Baby Robert took all the attention that rightly belonged to her. Her parents dismissively threw away all the "how to" information for their new baby. That's where the child found the leaflets out of the trash, and read all about "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome."

The sentence "never put the baby to sleep on his tummy" screamed out at her.

After having her sleep disturbed during the night, she knew what she had to do. She waited until her mother placed the boy to his crib before returning to the master bedroom at the other end of the hallway.

Andrea walked into the nursery and saw the little shit sleeping quietly. She turned him over, his belly now on the mattress. She moved his face to the mattress and put just a little bit of pressure on the back of his head. After a few seconds, he stopped moving.

Just a few hours later, she was angry when she was woken up again, this time by her mother's scream.

She knew she was the princess again, the way it always should be.

* * *

Two years after her parents buried their son, they were blessed with another daughter. Andrea refused to share her parents, let alone to a little bitch who now was her competition. The baby's crib was kept in the master bedroom this time, and her parents made sure to keep a guarded eye on their pre-teen.

They couldn't watch her around the clock. Neighbors started to complain when pets started to vanish. During each disappearance Mister Harrison noticed a fire in one of the family's metal trash cans, but said nothing.

He covered his daughter's tracks and would empty the burned ashes and bones of the small creature, use a garden hose to rinse out the can, and say nothing to his wife. He didn't want to be known as the father of the child who killed dozens of small animals. Not his family.

* * *

She worked her way up the ladder of becoming a high-powered attorney by seducing senior members of different law firms. The humiliation of another human being made her proud of herself.

Seducing a man was something that she could do in her sleep.

Never did she feel even a slither of guilt for the events she put in motion, especially now that all the pieces were in place. She knew, however, that Lori would behave and do what she wanted. The housewife would do anything for her husband and son, everyone knew it.

She knew that when she got Carl and Lori out of the way, everything would fall into place. She would finally have what was rightfully hers.

Rick wouldn't have anyone else to turn to, his precious wife and son dead, and he would be an emotional wreck, just what he needed him to be. Weak minded. Vulnerable. Just the way she liked it.

Killing T-Dogg had been very therapeutic after all the stress she had been put through. She had to give up her multi-million-dollar condo, her closet full of designer clothes, shoes, jewelry, purses, and her red BMW.

Picking T was just random. His roommate was on watch, and that was all she needed to know.

It was the icing on the cake when she found out that her actions to implicate Lori worked. She loved watching the woman come undone while Rick was yelling at her.

* * *

She soon discovered that using one of the many handguns was much faster and cleaner. Thanks to the silencer, what she needed to do would emit a soft "thump" and, more importantly, wouldn't risk a chance of the knife cutting her own skin.

Although she'd remain in her room on the fifth floor, she soon found out who was in what rooms. Michonne and Ty, Abe and Morgan, Bob and Eugene, Maggie and Glenn, Carol and Hershel, Daryl and Merle, Sasha and Beth. Rick had his own room, far down the hallway from…her. And that rat child.

She thought about who would be the easiest to dispose of. The cute farmer's daughter, the old man, the grey-haired woman. She could take care of everything within an hour before replacing the weapon among their collective stash, washing her hands and finding herself an alibi.

As an attorney, she knew all too well about the forensics of gunshot residue. It was almost impossible to remove from the bare skin, so she found her way to the housekeeping supply room, slipped a pair of yellow rubber gloves into her pocket, and waited.

She'd laugh when the cop couldn't figure out what was going on. Maybe he'd flip out on _her_ again. Maybe this time he'd shoot her.

Or maybe, she could get into _her_ room and take care of the problems. Two for one. Then Rick would be hers.

After sitting through another painfully dull dinner, she snuck to the front desk and got the corresponding keys for the rooms she wanted.

Now she just had to wait.


	6. Tables Are Turned

Within just twenty-four hours, the tables were turned. Rick was the one who was desperate to talk to his wife. She woke up one morning to find him asleep, sitting on the floor with his back to her door. He jumped awake and greeted her with a half-hearted smile, and she returned the greeting with a slammed door to his face.

In the days that followed her confrontation with Rick, Lori's grief over what she said to him soon turned to anger and bitterness when she thought of how they flaunted their relationship. The day she had a headache and wanted to take a nap was when she walked in on them and their world imploded.

She knocked on the wall that separated her room from Ty and Michonne's, a signal that she needed help. The former professional football player was no match for a small-town sheriff, and Rick walked away without a word from his family.

Out of solidarity to Lori, or maybe it was to get away from the constant screaming matches between Rick and Andrea, one by one everyone else moved to the not just the third floor, but the far end of the hall in order to get as far away from the fallen leader and the troublesome blonde as possible.

* * *

 _He felt like he was punched in the gut. He turned to Shane and told him not to tell Lori when the pain ripped into him. He could feel his lungs fill with blood and struggled to breathe. He tried to tell Shane to tell Lori and Carl he loved them. The pain in his head was made eye contact with his childhood friend and tried to tell him to let Lori and Carl know he loved them._

 _Everything became blurry as he felt the blood seep from his head wound. He was drifting in and out of consciousnesses._

 _He remembered his coma. He couldn't move or talk, but he heard everything._

 _He knew the familiar sound of Lori's deep sobs, and could feel her delicate hand in his._

 _"I'm sorry, baby. Wake up. Squeeze my hand. Let me know you can hear me. Please. I've got a surprise for you if you open your eyes. Please, baby."_

 _A different voice, one he learned to be the doctor, mentioned the head injury._

 _"Officer Walsh said he hit his head hard. We diagnosed him with a grade thee concussion. Ten stitches to the back of the deep wound on the scalp. There are long term ramifications to an injury like this. If he wakes from the coma, you can expect personality changes."_

 _"If?" Lori screamed._

 _"Mrs. Grimes, I'm sorry."_

 _His mind was yelling at him to open his eyes and wrap her in his arms._

He spent another sleepless night staring at the ceiling, sleep failing to engulf him into its deep abyss. Rather, tears continued to pour uncontrollably as he recalled how she took care of him when he was near death.

Rick hadn't slept a wink, not in days, more specifically since the confrontation. He was exhausted to the point of collapse, but sleep still escaped him. He was on edge, always watching himself, and desperate for Lori to give him as much as a glance in his direction.

He knew there was no going back. Things would never be the way they used to be. He remembered what it was like to have love someone unconditionally, the way he and Lori loved each other. He missed being part of her life, and he was devastated when Carl started to avoid him, siding with his mother.

He wanted to go home. More than anything, he wanted his life back. His home on Pine Street, filled with Lori and Carl, anticipating the birth of the new baby and knowing he could keep them safe. Every time he opened his eyes he silently prayed he would be waking from his coma.

Moving as quickly as his body would allow Rick went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He was at a total loss. He couldn't seem to focus on anything but what _he_ had done wrong.

* * *

After getting himself together he made his way to the kitchen, stopping at the front window to gaze at Lori as she sat in the snow while helping Carl build a snowman. He watched, aching to go outside and join his family. Ty stood near the woman, weapon in hand, in case a stray walker rambled by.

Abe walked up to him and asked for a moment to talk. When Rick followed the Marine back to the lobby, he was stunned to see the entire family sitting in front of him.

"Alright, Rick. We've got stuff to say, and you're gonna listen." Sasha declared. "This has gone on long enough. You can't cheat on someone if you're in love with them, you just can't do it. You wouldn't even think about doing it."

"But what Lori did…"

Carol raised her hand to get him to stop talking. "She thought you were dead. She told me all about it. She spent months at your side when you were in the coma, and when Shane took her away, he was the one who told her you were dead. Did you know she had to put down her mother, sister and nephews?"

He grimaced…."a little."

"She was emotionally spent. The only adult who was with her was Shane, someone she knew since high school. Did she tell you he tried to rape her at the CDC? She saw her mother, her sister and her eight-year-old twin nephews as walkers. She had to put down them all. Shane was her shoulder to cry on."

Michonne added, "It's the worst feeling ever. You have this constant worrying in your mind that you're not pretty enough, not thin enough and the only thing you can focus on is what you've done wrong. Mistakes don't just 'happen.' You knew what you were doing. Maybe you knew Andrea set it up so Lori'd find out that way. Do you have any idea how much that hurt her?"

Rick nodded and fell silent, allowing Carol to continue the conversation

"No, apparently you don't. She told me a little about your childhood, and that's all I need to know. Your father screwed around on your mom, and you saw what she went through. I'm telling you, Ed used to mess around on me all the time. There was always something in the back of my mind that I did something wrong. It breaks you down, emotionally, mentally and physically."

They were soon joined by Daryl, who, in anger raised the back of his shirt, revealing deep scars.

"Rick, you see this? Take a good look. This was from my father. He was an abusive, violent drunk. He would hit my mother in front of me and Merle. When I was ten my mom was pregnant. He beat the shit outta her. She lost the baby. I don't know how far along she was, but that was my baby sister. What's the difference between you and him? Nothin."

Hershel took over. "Rick, I never trusted Shane around my girls. He killed Otis. He threatened Dale. Dale once told me that he held you in the sights of his gun, because he was angry you were back. He wanted Lori and Carl for himself. Shane was the one to start the incident at the barn. He killed Randal. He was a threat to everyone. And like it or not...you have become Shane. You've become what you hated and what Lori feared. I want you to think about every word you said to her. I've been married twice and widowed twice. As men, we are supposed to protect our women, and I couldn't do that. And now you said to your wife, if that term still applies, that you wish she was dead. On the day you held her hand when Carl was born, did you ever think you'd say those words to her? I remember how you were when you first got to my farm. You were always together. Then she didn't react the way you wanted her to. That's how all this started."

"Rick!" Abe snapped, getting the officer's full attention. The redhead got within an inch of the officer's face and angrily said, "Rick, I had it all. A beautiful wife and two little kids. Ellen. That was my wife. A.J. Abraham Junior, and Becca. Those were my kids. My wife was pregnant. I treated her like gold. When all this started we hid out in a grocery store with a few other men. I didn't trust them around my family, so I kept them close. It took one minute. I woke up to Ellen screaming. She was being raped by one of the assholes. My pregnant wife was being raped. I ran over and beat the man to death. That's how much I loved my wife. I beat the man who was attacking her. While I was doing that those assholes killed my children. When I turned back to Ellen I saw that her throat was slit. She bled to death, and I never got a chance to say goodbye."

The Marine tried to control his emotions. He was not alone in the emotional tidal wave of the dead world. He was with friends who shared the same story of loss.

"I picked up their guns and shot each one of those thugs in their kneecaps. I wanted them to suffer and still be alive when those things rip them apart. I took one of the guns and put it in my mouth. See, I didn't want to live after seeing my family killed. I had my finger on the trigger before I heard a voice yelling for help. I turned around and it was Eugene. I'm alive now because of him. I always wish I was with my family. I couldn't keep them safe and I failed them. I don't know how your father treated your mother. Maybe you're acting like he did. You're teaching Carl to act the same way. I never met Shane, but he sounds like a real motherdick. Hope you're happy."

Abe lost the grip he had on his memories and broke down into anguished tears of bitter despair.

"Rick," Sasha added. "You've become a monster. But you need to face the reality of the situation. T is dead, and you haven't even questioned your girlfriend. Something's not right here."

Andrea waltzed into the large room and noticed everyone sitting around. Her hair was tied with an elastic tie at the back of her neck. Her gait was confident, garnering the attention of the now smaller family.

"I guess my invitation to the party was lost." She strolled over to Rick and tried to wrap her arms around his lean torso, but he shunned her and walked away, shaking off her touch.

"What…is this some intervention shit? Don't get in my way. You don't…" she stopped right before saying anything that would lead them to believe she killed T. "Just don't get in my way. That's my man."

* * *

At first, Lori cried over what she said to her husband. She still loved him and hatred that she said something so hurtful. She loved him since they met in their second year in high school. She remembered how embarrassed he was to introduce her to his family, with his alcoholic and emotionally abusive father. She remembered the look of relief on his face when she didn't turn her back on him once the dysfunctional secret was uncovered.

She remembered how ecstatic he looked when she walked down the aisle, one of the happiest days of their lives, and she remembered how he violently shook with sobs as he told her of the crime scenes of his brother and his mother. He never spoke to his father again, and made it a point to avoid the funeral.

She knew the fling with Andrea wasn't her fault. That Rick was the one who did something wrong, but it didn't help the sick feeling of guilt that settled in the bottom of her stomach. He was normally so distant, so remote, wearing his emotions like a suit of armor.

Now, Lori was in the driver's seat. She was the one to leave a room whenever he entered. She was the one to, although she could feel his stare burning her skin, refused to acknowledge his presence. One evening she saw Rick outside by the tree line, searching for some still living wildflowers under a thin blanket of snow. The next morning the same flowers on her doorstep, the stems through her rings. The broken necklace was delicately repaired and wrapped around a piece of paper.

She had tears in her eyes when she read his writing,

 _"My dearest Lori,_

 _Please let me say what a complete and utter fool I am. I am so sorry. I did the one thing in life I never thought I'd do…. I hurt you. I was wrong. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, and until I take my last breath, I'll always be sorry for the mistake I made with "her." I ended it the day you found us. I didn't realize what a monster I became, and how I'm falling into my father's footsteps._

 _You were so good to my mom and Jeff, and accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. I want to do whatever it takes to make it right. I moved to the same floor you're on, but down the hall to give you the space you need. I love you. I love Carl, and I love OUR baby. Please take me back. I'm the world's biggest jackass, and I don't know what I can do to begin to make it up to you, but please let me try._

 _I never stopped loving you,_

 _Rick"_

She slowly lowered the note before a noise instinctively made her head turn. In the dim light of the hallway she saw his silhouette, watching her from several rooms away. He took a few steps from his room to stand in the hallway. Even that far away she knew he'd been crying; his shoulders were slumped forward, almost defeated.

She quietly stepped back into her room, holding her necklace and rings. His ring was missing, and she could only assume he slipped it back on his finger.


	7. Fatal Attraction

_It was the summer after their college graduation. Lori had secured a job as a pre-school teacher at a small school in the county, while Rick was preparing to go to the police academy._

 _He borrowed Shane's black jeep, and played The Eagles' Hotel California as they travel down the highway. The midnight moon and warm weather made for a memorable evening._

 _There she stood in the doorway. I heard the mission bell_

 _Lori chuckled as the wind whipped through her hair. The sound of her laughing always made him smile. Rick turned into the rugged road that led up to the aptly named "Eagles' Nest" quarry, and parked in their usual spot, which gave them a picture-perfect view of the moon reflecting off the water._

 _How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget_

 _Rick left the jeep's headlights on as he placed a blanket on the ground. Armed with two bottles of beer rather than a fancy bottle of champagne, they spent the next hour making love under the sky before lying together under the lights of a billion stars._

 _Mirrors on the ceiling, The pink champagne on ice_

 _His fingers were shaking with nerves and he almost dropped the ring before sitting up and getting on one knee._

 _She gasped when she realized what was about to happen._

 _"Lori, baby. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. We have our whole lives in front of us, and I can't see spending a day without you by my side. Will you marry me?"_

 _She practically shouted "yes" in excitement, and after the ring adorned her finger for the first time, they melted together and became one again._

 _You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave_

* * *

Rick laid in his bed as the cold darkness of the room suffocated him. He wanted to think that he could fall asleep again, but he couldn't - he saw the imprints of images behind his eyelids and he just couldn't get it out of his head. The look on Lori's face when she walked in on him with Andrea, how he treated her when he thought she killed T. He knew her better than anyone else. She would step on the brakes when a squirrel ran across the road. She'd never take the life of another human.

He could feel his heart thunder in his chest. He stared at the ceiling, wondering if there was a way for him to forget the past couple years of his life, wants to wipe it clean and scrub it away until it is nothing but a raw but fading memory. He wished he could wake up in the morning and be back in the hospital bed, ready to start all over again.

It was a week since he was caught with Andrea. One week since the final knife was thrust into what was left of his marriage. He knew he was still not used to it. He could never get used to it. He didn't _want_ to get used to it.

The truth was; Rick was lost, with the grey sky and icy winter surrounding them, he felt only sadness as he realized what he did. The feeling was suffocating him, he had never felt so alone.

Rick was acutely aware that the space next to him in bed was empty. There was no echoing warmth, so crevice where Lori should have been. There was nothing. He curled onto his side and felt the space next to him, hands reaching out.

There was an ache and weariness in his bones that couldn't be appeased. He simply didn't want to do anything.

He remembered how tightly she held him the day Jeff took his own life. He remembered how she, without being asked, stayed up with him all night long as he did everything he could to try to erase the image of his mother, wrists slit to the bone, lying in a tub of blood red water.

He remembered how many nights his father would stumble through the front door, his slurred voice booming throughout the small house. His mother would start crying, followed by the sound of glass being broken. The following morning always found his mother with a new bruise on her face or fresh splotches of blood on the kitchen floor.

Lori was the one who spent years helping him fight through his demons, only to be surrounded by new ones, living and dead.

He thought back to when they first met in high school. His home life was so broken that when he met Lori, she was a breath of fresh air. After navigating the dating world while in high school, he found comfort and peace with her. He remembered the night at the quarry, and the word she said… "soulmates."

When he was a child, he thought there was an ethereal beauty to soulmates. Someone unwilling to judge but accepting of your flaws, someone that the universe created just for you. They would be your best friend, your lover, your partner in crime. They were the reason the Earth spun on its axis.

Maybe his expectations as he headed into a marriage at the age of twenty-three, but in his eyes Lori was perfection. He loved everything about her, from her silky hair that was so soft to touch, her ever present honey and vanilla scent that would always leave him intoxicated and nervous at the same time. He loved how she would gently reach out and caress his arm for no other reason than he was within reach.

Lori was the woman around whom Rick built his dreams. Wanting to distance himself from his father as much as possible, Rick's life revolved around his family, and his wife and son became his candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night. He truly thought that a life without her was not worth living.

His emotions had finally caught up to him and he found himself unable to function normally, even though he tried everything to distract herself from the pain in his heart that seemed to be suffocating him. He missed being able to see the adoration in her eyes whenever he looked at her.

He never hated himself as much as he did right then. It's painful; just thinking about everything she has done for him, how she stood by him, only to be repaid by an emotionally distant and now cheating husband.

At some point, between the deep breathing to steady himself and the pure exhaustion in his bones, he fell asleep.

* * *

Something akin to a whisper brushed across Rick's consciousness as the audible tick-tick-tick of his watch nestled its way into his thoughts. In the soft haze of early morning, he felt a warm body occupying the other half of his bed. An arm was wrapped around his midsection and hair tickled the back of his neck while hot breath rested on his skin. His first thought was to grab onto Lori's arm and immediately start to make love to her. _The only woman who accepted him for who he was._

"Morning," says a raspy female voice.

"What the hell, Andrea?" Rick asked, as he pushed her arm away and jumped out of bed.

"Morning, lover. I thought you'd miss me."

Rick jumped out of her grasp and grabbed his jeans, quickly putting them on while standing in the corner, out of sight from the blonde.

"You're mine, Rick, why do you fight it?" her voice rumbled, her chest vibrating as she spoke.

"You don't own me, Andrea." He spat bitterly as pulled the zipper. "You never have and you never will."

"Oh, Sweetie, you don't really believe that." She glared at him, raising her chin defiantly.

"I told you, you were a mistake. I wasn't thinking clearly, I don't love you, I love my wife. I don't want anything to do with you."

"Aww. you're so sweet when you're desperate. Come back to bed, lover. I'll make you forget all about Snow White."

"Cut the shit." He snapped, his voice echoing throughout the room. "Just cut it!" He pulled on a brown tee-shirt before pointing his finger at the blonde. "I don't know what you're up to, but I'm telling you it's gonna stop right now."

"No, it's not gonna stop, Rick. It's gonna go on and on until you realize that I'm not going away. You need to face up to your responsibilities."

"What responsibilities?"

"I'm pregnant. I'm going to have our child. We're gonna have a life together. You got rid of Snow White, she saw us, I made sure of that. Only a damn fool would take back someone who did what you did."

With a sickening drop of his stomach, Rick pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He's not sure why, but suddenly he felt as though the entire room was on fire. All he could see was red with anger. Just standing there in his shirtless glory made things more awkward.

"This isn't happening."

"Oh, yes, it is. I'm not going to be _ignored_ , Rick."

He turned away from her but she jumped out of bed and ran over, grabbing his arm, "Please don't do this, I want you. Let me show you how good it can be. I'm better than Lori is. She's the one who killed T. I'm better."

"Get away from me, Andrea."

She dropped to her knees and went right for his belt, "No, please let me show you how good I can be."

He jerked away from her but she held on, reaching for his jeans and begging for him to stay.

"You're so pathetic, you know that, Andrea? So pathetic. I pity you."

"Why? Because you love me more than you've ever loved Lori?"

"That's bullshit. You're nothing but a mistake I can't get rid of."

"See, Rick, Lori sat back and took the abuse. Probably a lot of it, just based on just what I've seen over the past year. I'm not like that. She's weak. But me, I'm a force to be reckoned with. And I want a little respect. I'm going to be the mother of your child."


	8. Go

He needed to talk to her. He needed to be the first to tell her. He still clung to the hope that there was hope for them.

He tried to convince himself that there's still hope for Lori to forgive him. There's still hope for them to move on from this.

The lump in his throat refuses to go away. His mind was in shambles. He was broken, alone. Even though he had "friends," he was aware it was all a lie. A damned facade. They tolerated him, but in truth, it was only out of pity that they befriended him.

He misses normality.

As he was pacing the kitchen, he heard the screams.

* * *

They were shaken. Uncontrollable sobs echoed throughout the entire lobby.

Glenn was begging Maggie to calm her breathing, reminding her that she should focus on the baby.

Lori insisted that Carl stay with her at all times. At that moment, his physical safety is more important than what he was feeling.

Rick lowered his gaze in humiliation, wanting to talk to his wife but ashamed to look her in the eye. His eyes traveled down her body, landing at the chain…her chain…around her neck, just as it always had been. A small spark of hope ignited in his chest when he realized her wedding rings was on the jewelry.

She wasn't ready to put them back on her finger. Not just yet.

While Daryl and Merle were using their tracking skills to try to get to the one piece of evidence they needed, Rick was quizzing Ty, Abe and Glenn about what they saw while on duty the night before.

"Did you hear anything? Did she stay in her room all night?"

Ty, bereft with grief over losing Sasha and Michonne, simply shook his head no.

"The door was shut all night." Abe stated. "We didn't bother knocking."

"C'mon Rick, you know I spent the night with you." Andrea announced, as she entered the room.

Upon seeing Lori's face fall, Rick spoke up.

"No. No. That's not true. I fell asleep alone. Lori, please listen. I was by myself. She musta snuck in."

"Now, now, Rick. Is that the way to talk about the mother of your child?"

There was an audible gasp from the brunette, and Rick thought at that very moment the idea of falling through the floor and into the depths of hell would be more inviting than terrifying than having to be in his shoes at that time.

"Ooops. I guess that's one way to break the news. Carl, it looks like you'll have two younger siblings."

* * *

Silence blanketed the room. Rick could feel the weight of it pressing down on him while he waited for someone to say something.

Lori's hands started to shake and her body trembled with unleashed sobs. As he saw her that this way, broken, beaten, made Rick's mistakes come to a grim reality.

Lori stood and took her son's hand before marching back to the room they shared.

She didn't answer his knocks at the door, and refused to answer Rick's pleas to talk. She stood, stoically, by the window as Morgan and Abe carried out the bodies of Michonne, Carol, Bob, Eugene, Hershel, Beth and Sasha.

After the sheet was placed on Sasha's body she sat on the edge of the mattress and opened her arms to comfort her baby boy.

* * *

Lori spent the rest of the day with Carl, neither one wanting to leave the safety of the room.

Lunch and dinner were delivered by Maggie, whose tear streaked face made Lori's heart break over the younger woman's heartbreak.

Lori woke up early. She was hungry and shivering from the cold. After washing up in the bathroom and slipping on heavier clothes, she made sure Carl was covered with a blanket and gave him a kiss on the forehead before leaving the room and locking the door behind her.

She walked to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. That's when she felt the gun against her back.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I will. If you scream, I'll kill Carl. I'll slit his throat just like I did T.

Remain calm. When she and Rick first got married he was so concerned with her safety that he taught her how to handle any situation, from using a gun to self-defense kicks.

"Andrea, please. I told you, you can have Rick. Our marriage is over. Please let me stay. The baby will be here soon and I don't want to be on my own. I can't leave my boy. We'll move on a different floor and won't be a burden."

"I know you won't be a burden, sweetie. Trust me. If you were, you wouldn't be here at all."

Lori swallowed the lump in her throat as she felt Andrea's breath on her neck.

"Andrea, we can work this out. Please." The brunette's eyes were full of terror. "Please. I won't survive out there. I won't say anything, and this can all be forgotten."

"You're not going to survive here, either." Her voice was stern. "And I can't take that chance. Rick is my family now. I'm the one he loves. We're having a baby, and I'll be Carl's new mom."

"Andrea, please." Lori repeated, showing the other woman her empty hands, begging for mercy.

"Do you know how pathetic you look right now? this is gonna happen. Don't make it worse for yourself. You're making me do this, Lori. This is all your fault. Start walking."

Fingernails dug painfully into her bicep as the blonde tightened her grip. Lori reluctantly obeyed, and walked towards the side door. The bitter chill of the cold winter morning caused her to flinch.

"Andrea, please."

Lori felt the force from behind her, pushing her over with such strength that she slid down the snow-covered steps, her pregnant belly taking the worst of the fall. She met the icy ground hard and bit back her cries as she clutched her stomach. She curled up against the pain, tasting the blood in her mouth.

"Get up. Now. Hurry." Andrea barked.

Her words were short and demanding, as Andrea watched the pregnant woman struggle to get to her feet in the snow.

"You called me a whore. Right? You said I'm a whore."

Andrea lifted her hand and struck Lori's face with the metal. She cried out in agony before covering her broken nose with her hand.

"Please!" She held her face as blood wept through her fingers. Terror rose in her chest.

Lori wasn't moving quickly enough, and Andrea had leverage and the benefit of not being pregnant. She slipped the gun into the waistband of her jeans and reached down, grabbing two fistfuls of the brunette's hair.

"Scream and I'll gut you like a fish right now." She demanded bitterly, as she began to drag the woman by her hair to one of the smaller vehicles in the parking lot.

Unbidden tears spilled down her cheeks, mixing with the blood pouring from her nose. Her body trembled from the blind terror and physical agony.

Lori was sobbing again. She knew her please for mercy were falling on deaf ears and struggled to pull herself through another wave of words.

"Andrea, please. Rick is all yours. I don't want him back. Please. Think of my baby."

"I'm being nice to you. There is a day's worth of food and water in that bag, along with a gun and a knife. If you come back here, I'll kill Carl. You have half a tank of gas. Drive. Drive away, and never come back. Give me your wedding rings, your earrings and your necklace."

"Andrea, no."

The blonde punched her in the stomach.

"Give me the jewelry or next time I use a knife."

She reluctantly handed over her jewelry.

Andrea opened the driver's door and pushed the other woman into the car. With the knife in hand, she cut deep, horizontal gashes in Lori's thighs.

Lori bit back a scream of agony as the metal penetrated her skin. She looked into Andrea's empty, hateful eyes as the blonde smirked.

"You're such an idiot, Lori. Do you really think you'd win? Life is a game. And I always win. Always. Rick loves me. Once I get Carl outta the way, it'll be just the two of us."

She fought the urge to completely panic, knowing it was the worst thing she could do at that moment.

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood. I didn't cut your femoral artery. Leave in ten seconds, or I stab you in the stomach. I'll cut that baby out of your gut and throw it to the walkers while you bleed to death in the snow."

Lori clenched her teeth through the pain. Her fingers were shaking as she started the cold engine, and pulled out of the parking lot.

The blonde watched the car drive out of sight, and then, with a satisfactory smile on her face, then turned and triumphantly walked back inside. She went down to the bathroom near the kitchen, changed into clean clothes, poured herself a cup of coffee that Lori made, and waited.


	9. Need to Get to Her

_Her smile was even warmer than the bed, as she drew his lips closer until they kissed again. He gently pressed into her. This was their special moment of connection, enhanced by the morning rainfall, the dimly-lit bedroom and the warmth of the bed. This was more about communicating a mutual desire than about a primal need. This was lovemaking. Lovemaking with the only one you love._

 _It was just two hours later, when he was at the station getting ready for his shift, when the phone call came in. Neighbors in Jeff's apartment complex were complaining about a foul odor coming from apartment 235. Jeffrey Grimes's place._

 _He looked at Shane with panic in his eyes._

 _He was unable to focus and as Shane drove the cruiser with lights flashing and the siren blaring, Rick kept calling his brother. Every call went to voicemail._

 _Before Shane put the vehicle in park Rick had opened the door and bounded up the steps. He could smell the decay from the outside as his hands were shaking while he looked for her own key. Frustration got the better of him and with one kick he opened the door._

 _His brother was lying on the floor, his body swollen from decay and the Atlanta heat. Rick walked over, his legs barely holding him upright, before he fell to his knees at the remains of the body._

 _The smell of gunpowder and the coppery stench of blood permeated the room. Without regard to tampering with a possible crime scene, he took his brother's cold hand in his and started crying._

 _"Jeff…I would've helped. Why didn't you let me help?"_

* * *

 _The paramedics gave Rick a tranquilizer, causing him to slump over in the passenger seat as he faintly heard Shane call Lori at home._

 _"Hey, Lori…Yeah, it's bad…You don't want to know…. It's bad…Rick's medicated…. I'll stay over to take care of Carl, or if you want I'll take him home with me...okay…alright…I'm almost there."_

 _The raven-haired officer pulled the cruiser into the Grimes driveway. After cutting the engine he walked over to the passenger side and opened the door, catching Rick as he almost fell out of the seat._

 _The two partners, and long-time friends, walked together to the front door until Lori ran out and took Rick into her arms._

 _He crumbled at her touch, his body shook from the force of his sobs and when warm arms wrapped around his body. He turned in their embrace to bury his head in their owner's chest. A soft hand gently brushed over his hair and slowly he began to calm._

 _Shane helped Lori move him inside, where he flopped on the couch and let out pent up emotions._

 _Lori held him tightly, telling him over and over again that she loved him and they'll get over it together._

* * *

Rick awoke from his uneasy slumber.

He laid silently, thinking about how caring Lori was over Jeff's suicide. Although she was exhausted from staying up all night with a colicky baby, she sat by his side, always willing to listen, reassuring him it wasn't his fault, and catch every tear he shed.

Weeks later, when his mother decided to end her life in order to get away from the tyrannical regime of the senior Grimes, Lori did everything she could to console her broken husband.

He gazed at his arms, seeing a litany of light scars from the self-harm he did as a teen when he was desperate to get away from his father.

It was one reason Rick loved his wife so much. One of the many reasons.

His chest hurt at the thought that Lori would never be with him again in the darkness of the morning.

Unless he made things right.

He pulled on his clothes before heading to the kitchen. This was the day he was going to smooth things over with Lori. She was his wife, through good times and bad.

He would do whatever it took to get back into her good graces, even one step at a time.

* * *

After leaving his room he knocked on Lori and Carl's door. After a few moments, he heard light footsteps before the door opened, blocked by the chain on the door.

"What?" Carl asked, when he laid eyes on his father.

"Hey bud. I wanted to talk to mom."

Without moving the door Carl replied, "She's not here. She went to get breakfast. She told me not to leave the room."

"You can come with me, bud."

After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, Rick swallowed a sob and added, "Carl, I'm sorry. I made mistake. Big mistakes, and I have no excuse. But I love you and I love your mom. I want to be a family again. Please."

When the child looked into his father's crystal blue eyes and saw them fill with tears, he relented.

"Alright."

* * *

Andrea sat at the table with a smirk on her face as the fractured family staggered into the kitchen.

Maggie arrived with Glenn, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist.

Abe and Ty entered the room at the same time, grabbing coffee before taking their seats.

Ty sneered at the blonde, thinking but not knowing for certain she played a role in the deaths of their friends.

Rick and Carl wandered into the room, and the younger Grimes immediately asked if anybody had seen his mom.

Andrea hid her smile behind her coffee mug.

Rick walked around the kitchen, looking into the large pantry before he moved to the lobby and started calling her name.

He returned to the kitchen, his heart clenched. It was then he noticed Andrea was wearing Lori's wedding and engagement rings, her earrings and necklace.

Fear, like a red-horned demon settled over him, sucking the strength from his limbs, and he fought to keep the dizziness at bay.

"What's going on? Andrea?"

Feigning empathy, she said "Lori left. She gave me these..." She wiggled her finger, Lori's engagement ring sparkling in the dimly lit room. "I think they look better on me."

At the mention of his wife, Rick had turned pale. His knuckles were white where they gripped the back of the chair in front of him. "What are you talking about?"

"Do you know the type of person she is? She killed everyone people. She abandoned Carl. She was bound to find out about us at some point. I got tired of riding you against a tree. We were fucking for months before we got here. She was just too stupid to find out."

"Don't talk about my family like that." He snapped.

"What...you're defending her now? It's over with you and Lori. Just accept that. And she's gone. Took a car, and goodbye. Accept the fact that she left because of what you said and what we did. You got what you wanted. You'll never see her again. But you're stuck with that little abortion." She said, pointing to Carl.

"Don't talk about my family like that!"

"With everything you've said to her, in front of everyone, over the past few weeks, and now you care about how people talk about her? You held a gun to her head the weeks ago."

The tears started to fall out of Rick's eyes.

"Men don't cry. Suck it up."

Daryl quickly left the hotel through the kitchen door, returning moments later.

"Rick. C'mere."

"Look." The redneck said, as he pointed to drag marks down the steps and blood in the snow. They followed the light footsteps all the way to where a set of tire tracks led from a parking spot to the road. The wind had picked up, making the cold winter's morning bitingly icy.

"Blood." Rick said, stoically.

"Yeah, back at the bottom of the steps too. Something happened."

"I gotta get her." Rick said breathlessly, starting to panic.

Rick thundered back into the hotel and stomped over to Andrea. He grabbed a fist full of blonde hair and moved her face to be inches away from his own.

"Where is she?" He asked, his voice a deep growl.


	10. Two Steps Back

They drove an hour down the road before finding a familiar car, abandoned by the side of the road. Rick bolted from the vehicle and ran to Lori's sedan. The sight he encountered made his heart clench. His eyes dilated at what was in front of him. He shook uncontrollably, his legs threatening to collapse.

Blood covered the front seat of the vehicle. His first reaction was undoubtedly shock, followed by panic, followed by horror. Smears of blood were found in the surrounding snow, but there was no sign of Lori.

Seconds ticked by, each one feeling long than the last. Rick slumped down to the ground, curling himself onto a ball, spasms shaking him every few minutes as he tried to hold in the new round of tears. For months, he hadn't let an emotion out, no smiles lived on his lips, for there was nothing to smile about. Only the tracks of tears that welled up on his face could show what he was truly feeling.

Glenn pushed the vehicle as Ty stepped on the gas, moving the car over the mound of fresh snow.

If they had looked just a few more feet away, they would have seen faint traces of Lori's footsteps, covered by a thin layer of snow, leading away from the vehicle and into the city.

* * *

The drive back to the hotel was silent. Rick gripped the wheel, his knuckles pale, and kept his eyes forward. Rick glared out the window to the slush and muddy snow piled up on the sides of the freeway. He didn't know what he was looking for. Clarity, maybe. Inspiration to keep his heart warm, when all he felt was desperation and rage.

There was no small talk in the car. Just a desperate man and the snow-covered road.

It was crippling, how much of him had broken now that Lori was gone. Had he relied on her too much? He soon realized that Lori was a more than just his wife, but she was his support beam he didn't know was there, raising him higher, making him stronger.

But he'd torn her down for the sake of his pride and broke her soul with how he treated her. Without her, he'd caved in.

"We'll find her." Ty said softly.

Rick's eyes teamed with tears of frustration, mixed with unparalleled fear for his wife's wellbeing. Spikes of adrenaline-fueled anxiety coursed through his veins, making his palms sweat and his heart thunder in his chest.

He remembered his job before the world ended. The terrifying, all-consuming numbness that was etched on the faces of family members at crime scenes. He remembered the fear and the shock, and how his words of comfort didn't begin to help with their sorrow.

* * *

Rick slammed the front door to the hotel and stomped through the lobby.

He found Andrea, her red face streaked with tears, near one of the sofas in the lobby. She was sitting next to a soaked rag and feet away from a pair of yellow gloves, her nightclothes from the previous evening, and a white towel with a copper colored stain.

Her hands were bound behind her back, tightly with Daryl's belt.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking at Abe.

"She admitted to killing T and hid the cloth under her bed. She shot everyone and hid the gloves under the spare bed in your room. Those clothes over there," he motioned to the garments, splattered with Lori's blood and damp from the snow, "are what she wore this morning when she kicked Lori out. She forced her to leave. Punched her in the face and belly, pushed her down the stairs and stabbed her in the leg."

"She just told you this?" Glenn asked.

"I used a little something I picked up in Iraq. Nothing wrong with the Perrier Spritz."

"He waterboarded me, Rick! It was horrible. Can't you do something?" Andrea cried.

"You fucking bitch. That woman was my life." He hollered, the veins in his neck protruding

"And you treated her like shit for months. I've heard the stories. She tried to apologize. You always walked away. You ignored her when she cried for you. You never once tried to make up. You saw her cry, but walked away. You're not exactly wining any husband of the year awards."

Rick was upon her within a flash. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her across the lobby, forcing her to awkwardly walk backwards with her legs bent at the knee.

"Wait, Rick. What are you doing?"

Her question fell on deaf ears as he loosened his tight grasp only to open the front door.

"Rick, wait." She pleaded.

The snow crunched under his feet as he dragged her to the opposite side of the parking lot, far away from the bodies of their friends.

"Calm down. We can talk this over." She panicked, trying to get through to him.

He dropped her into a snowdrift and unholstered his gun.

"You killed T." He stated.

She broke eye contact and mumbled "yeah."

"And you didn't say anything when I blamed Lori."

Her smirk enraged him.

"Answer me, dammit!"

"I wanted her gone. She was standing in the way of us being together."

Rick felt suddenly nauseous. The thought of anyone laying their hands on Lori was repulsive, let alone the woman over whom he ruined his marriage.

"Where did she go?" Rick seethed. He looked at her with pure hatred, his fists clenched. Rage was uncommon for the man who kept his emotions under lock and key, but he felt it all the same.

"Dunno, don't care. You shouldn't care either. You hate her."

"Where did she GO?" Rick yelled, enraged.

The blonde grinned and whispered, "I don't recall, officer friendly."

Rick's anger boiled over. He raised his Colt Python and fired two shots into the woman's head before turning his back and going back into the hotel.


	11. A Familiar Face

He wasn't sure how many days have passed. Days, weeks, months…they were all the same to him now. He told himself that didn't have the right to mourn about ruining his own life.

Bags appeared under his eyes. hair was messed, his clothes were rumpled, and his eyes were red from crying. He looked like skin had been stretched over a skeleton. What overwhelmed him though, was how much of a part Lori was in his life. After more than twenty years together, he was lost.

Rick was just looking at his food, not even trying to touch it. Everyone who could save Lori was at the table; Abe, Ty, Daryl, Merle, Glenn and Maggie. It was starting to feel like a fighting force, if enough people could be managed. If a plan could be formed.

The quiet crept up again, and a sob escaped his mouth. Nobody reached over to offer words or gestures of comfort.

Everyone slowly gathered around the table and started to eat, being very quiet. Nobody was in the mood for talking. The only sound that filled the room was that of utensils scraping against plates.

He had no one to talk to. Between the very public fights with Lori, fights he instigated, everyone had distanced themselves from Rick.

His involvement with Andrea, and her actions, left wounds in the lives of so many.

Days flew by with the speed of flickering light. Rick found himself wandering from one tiny room to another and wondered if his profound sense of detachment and loneliness was the universe giving him his karma.

Sleep refused him. Rick couldn't bear to lay in bed, the one that was Lori's, the one that smelled like her. Carl moved out and into Glenn and Maggie's room, refusing to speak to his father.

The only voices he heard, the only shouts were his and those in his memories. He tried to think about something else, anything. He desperately tried to dredge up the sound of Lori's laugher, the way her body had felt when they crawled in bed and inevitably ended up tangled in the sheets, drenched with sweat after making love until they were too tired to move. But he couldn't.

Time marched on, and tensions were stretched thin.

* * *

Looking into the mirror, Rick realized the face staring back at him now belonged to a stranger. It was thin and pallid. Rage, swift and powerful, rushed though him. Destroying what little control he had.

Without thought to the immediate consequences, Rick punched his reflection. He felt the glass shatter and the shards sunk into his skin. Blood ran in thin rivulets down his hand as he turned it over to look at the damage.

Rick staggered back. That was it. That was where he fell apart.

Part of him knew Lori wouldn't have wanted this. He wouldn't want Rick to grieve this way. But Lori wasn't here now. _He_ was gone.

Lori was gone and that was the only thought that Rick could focus on. It was all he could do to get out of bed every morning. He took every breath knowing it was him, not Lori who should have died. He wanted nothing more than to wake up and discover all this was a terrible nightmare. It wasn't, and Rick knew it because it hurt too much to be anything but real.

The memories ebbed and flowed like waves. Battering and receding, only to return stronger each time. Rick bit his lip and tasted blood as he swallowed.

* * *

They had nothing to use when a group of men entered the hotel and said it was "claimed."

After the threat of each greasy man taking his turn with Maggie, they were forced away. On a cool spring evening, they were sitting by a campfire, completely exposed to the elements and woefully unprepared.

A soft breeze blew the odor of decay in their direction, and it wasn't long before Ty heard the familiar groans. The men formed a circle around Maggie and Carl…the pregnant woman and the child…within minutes, and despite fighting back, they lost Abe and Ty.

The days dragged by, they saw that they were approaching the city of Atlanta. Rick remembered the last time he was here. The horse, the tank, Glenn, and later his family. Before everything went to hell. When his marriage was normal. When he was human, and didn't throw away the best thing that ever happened to him. They walked some more, and saw bodies of walkers, who were normal people before the napalm melted them into the street.

After a long and painfully silent stretch of time, Carl got into a shouting match with his father.

"Mom died thinking you hated her. She saw you fuck Andrea. She cried so much. I saw you fuck Andrea in the woods while mom was pregnant. Mom was hiding in a car and you were fucking some slut in the woods. You made mom cry a lot. If you died in that coma mom would still be alive. Maybe Shane was right. Maybe he'd be better for mom and me. He said he loved her. He never would've called her the things you did. That's MOM. Why? You never loved her and you don't love me. You never wanted me. You wanted mom to have an abortion. I don't want you to be my father anymore."

He felt like he got kicked in the gut, and walked up to Carl and put his hand on his son's arm. He was begging to talk to him. Carl suddenly turned around and held his gun to his own head, and pulled the trigger. Rick could only scream as he watched his son crumble and die in front of him.

* * *

He held Carl's lifeless body, and wailed "my boy...please...my boy." He cried the deep sobs of a broken man. Daryl tried to help him stand up, but he pushed him away, and kept telling Carl how sorry he was.

They didn't have any shovels, so Daryl and Merle used their own hands to dig a hole in the ground. Maggie and Glenn took Rick's weapon away, worried that he'd kill himself. After a grave was dug, they let Rick hold Carl for a little while longer before they told him it was getting dark.

Rick was frozen, not able to physically move. Glenn and Daryl had to help him to his feet, and he bent down to pick up his old sheriff's hat from the ground. It was smeared with Carl's blood and brain matter. Rick put his hat in the grave with Carl, and covered his own face with his hand, sobbing quietly. He had to walk away before they put the dirt back on his son's body. He fell to his knees and vomited up what little food was in his stomach. His friends had to get him to his feet and keep walking.

* * *

A black vehicle raced towards them, the tires screeching to a halt. Two uniformed officers stepped out, their weapons drawn, and told the small group to show their hands.

They were right outside Grady Hospital.

Rick spoke up.

"My name is Rick Grimes. I was the Deputy Sheriff in Kings County."

"Bullshit." A tall, bald lawman replied. "I remember the news. Grimes was shot and killed a year ago."

"No, it's me. I slipped into a coma. My partner was Shane Walsh." Rick responded, his hands starting to tremble.

He watched as the man stepped away and spoke into the transmitter that was attached to his shoulder. After he returned, the man said, "follow me."

* * *

When they got to the third floor, they were confronted by several Georgia state police. Rick remembered the names; Shepherd, Lamson, and Licari.

"Well. Hello stranger."

"Hey Dawn." Rick mumbled, a tight smile crossing his lips.

"You guys know each other?" Officer Lamson asked.

"Yeah, we went to the academy together." The woman said flatly. "Okay, how many people do you have?"

She looked at the haggard survivors. Glenn, a very pregnant Maggie, Merle and Daryl.

"This it?" She asked.

"Yeah, we had a bigger group, but…"

"Shit happens." Dawn interrupted. "Anyway, we have medical care here. We can get you checked out."

* * *

The woman, who made it clear that she was the person in charge, insisted that everyone shower and wear pairs of scrubs while their own clothes get washed.

Once everyone was clean and the men shaved, Dawn led them to the cafeteria, and invited them to sit around the dinner table with her.

"Okay, here's the deal." She said sharply. "You stay here and do what I say, and you get food, water and shelter. Easy, right."

"What kind of stuff?" Maggie asked softly.

"Security, keeping the place clean, cooking. Just the basics."

As Dawn was talking, three people came out of the kitchen, carrying big serving trays full of food. Rick froze when he saw one of them. It was Lori, holding a tray with one hand and walking with a cane in the other.

Maggie jumped from her seat and ran to embrace Lori, as both women started sobbing.

"Lori. You're okay. You're here." Rick said with relief, aching to go and wrap his wife in her arms, but his legs wouldn't let him move.

"Oh my God…you're okay!" The pregnant farmer's daughter croaked out.

"Where's Carl?" Lori asked, once she caught her breath.

* * *

Gentle hands caught her and helped her walk, with shaky legs, to the nearest chair.

Doctor Stevens left the cafeteria after administrating a sedative to Lori. After asking if she wanted to go back to her room, she declined, asking to stay with her friends but still not looking at her former spouse.

"Lori, I didn't know you were married. You go by 'Wilson,' not 'Grimes.' I had no idea." Dawn sneered.

"I'm not." She sobbed out. "That's my ex. Just a memory." Lori said, not even looking at Rick.

"Wait a sec, Rick, when we were at the Academy you were always talking about your girlfriend. I met her once when she came to visit. The only thing I remember was the long black hair. Was that her?" She asked, pointing to Lori.

Rick winced at the memory, and slowly nodded his head.

"Wow. The way you talked about her. High school sweethearts, the love of your life. You wouldn't shut up about it." She chuckled.

"You were saving to buy an engagement ring and wanted to have a house full of kids with her. That's too bad, you said from the day you met in high school you knew she was the one for you. Sorry things didn't work out. Did you get remarried?"

Rick shook his head no.

"Just asking because you're wearing a wedding ring and she's not. Anyway, I'll leave you all to catch up."

A tall man with black hair ran into the cafeteria and immediately took Lori into his arms.

Rick watched as his wife was being consoled by this other man, and there was nothing he could do about it.


	12. Confrontation

"I couldn't sleep, so I went to start pancakes." She started, feeling the effects from the medication. "I felt something press into my back. It was Andrea. She said she had a gun and that she'd shoot my stomach. She kept saying that Rick was her family now." Overcome with emotion, she paused to take a deep breath.

"She taunted me about having sex with Rick for months, even before we got to the hotel. I knew it, though. I'm not a high-powered attorney, just a house frau, but I'm not stupid. I knew something was going on. She planned on getting caught that day."

She took a sip of water, her hand trembling. "I was about an hour down the road when my water broke. My delivery was really short, but the cord was wrapped around her neck. I finally had my little girl, but she was blue. I tried, God knows I tried, but nothing worked. She was gone, and I had to put her down. The snow was picking up, and I didn't want to be stuck in the car with those things walking around, so I left with my baby girl. I took down a walker and used its guts to cover myself. A few days later I found an old cemetery and left her by a tombstone of a married couple. Maybe I wasn't thinking right at the time, but I thought that could somehow take care of the baby. I was on my feet forever, until two cops pulled over and offered to help. Doctor Stevens cleaned me up, and I've been here ever since."

There was silence at the table, the family trying to digest what she said. Daryl wiped his eyes, and Maggie softly cried. After a while Glenn spoke up.

"Lori, how long were you in the car?" he asked.

"A few hours? I'm not sure. My labor was short and painful. My daughter was so beautiful. She looked just like Carl. She didn't even cry. I tried to remove the cord, but she was already blue." She wiped away angry tears.

"I thought about staying, but I didn't want to get trapped. She said she gave me a gun, but it was unloaded. I thought about ending it, but I wanted to get back to my boy. I didn't want him to think I left him."

"We went out to look for you. Ty, Rick, and me. God...we must have just missed you. We could have brought you back with us."

Rick put his face in his hands.

"Maybe it's for the best you didn't. She said she'd kill Carl if I ever came back."

"She admitted to killing everyone." Glenn remarked.

"I wish things were different." Maggie added. "Maybe I could've stood up to her more."

"S'alright." "It takes a situation like that to bring out everyone's true feelings. You did more for me in just a few weeks than some people did in a year."

"Well, somebody had to take care of you!" Maggie snapped, glaring at Rick, who didn't bother to look up.

"I think it was for the best that I didn't go back. Sometimes silence hurts more than words ever will. It wasn't a good situation. The fighting, the accusations, the name calling. I was with you guys but I felt alone."

She knew Rick was hearing every word, and she had a lot to say.

"I'm not stupid. When we were on the road I could hear the moans at night. I thought it was a dream, or maybe Maggie and Glenn, but one night I saw my so-called husband and Andrea walk out of the woods at the same time. He was adjusting his pants. At the hotel, he would get up during dinner and she would leave the room moments later. I'm not stupid, but I was holding onto hope. I was waiting for something that was never going to happen."

She looked directly at Rick, who had his head down, but was hearing everything. Lori's voice got a little louder.

"The worst pain is feeling unwanted by the one person you want the most. After T was killed, after everything that was said...maybe it was for the best. But I should have been there for Carl. Maybe I could have stopped it. He knew what was going on in the woods."

Lori had to stop talking before she started crying again.

Maggie wiped her eyes and put her arm around Lori. "Sweetie, what happened with Carl was an accident. Nobody could have stopped it."

Lori's eyes were teaming with tears, and she asked "how did Carl die? How did my baby boy die?"

There was silence, before Glenn spoke up. "We were stuck when a herd went by. It was quick."

"Did he suffer? Did he hurt?" Lori asked, devastated.

"No, it was quick." Daryl added.

The family, smaller and shattered, sat together. Some were openly weeping, some stoic, and some quietly wiping away tears.

Rick would glance over at the new man in Lori's life, sitting by himself to let her talk, but being close in case she needed him.

* * *

"So, you're all caught up. Good to see." Dawn stated as she returned to the cafeteria.

"How many rooms will everyone need? Noah is finished with your laundry." She looked at the remaining members of the once-vibrant group; Rick, Daryl, Merle, Maggie, and Glenn.

"Okay. I can only offer you hospital beds, but it beats sleeping on the street. You all need some rest."

Maggie and Glenn raised their hands for a room, and the Dixon brothers decided to share. Rick was on his own, again.

"Okay...three rooms. We can do that. Follow me."

* * *

As the man walked over to help Lori to her feet, Rick extended his hand and started to say, "I'm Ri..."

"I know who you are." Phillip said, arms folded across his chest. "I'm staying with her. From what I heard, I don't want her around you."

"Lori, please. Can you give me just a minute to talk? I won't bug you again."

Phillip didn't break his stare from the sheriff while Lori whispered into his ear. He nodded, then resumed his spot at the table half a room away.

Lori disappeared into the kitchen before returning with two cups of tea.

He exhaled slowly as a way of greeting, feeling his shoulders relax. He frowned in surprise when Lori slid the cup across the table to him. He takes a cautious sip; just a touch of cream and two sugars. Just how he had always liked it.

"Thanks."

"Yeah," she smiled easily, although there's a strain to her eyes. "That's how you like it, right?"

Rick nodded quickly, and dragged his gaze back down to the cup, his fingers tapping against the edges. He forced himself to look elsewhere, looking at everything and everyone but the woman who sat across from him. Rick had the broader shoulders and unshaven stubble scratching across his face, while Lori had the thin features and swooping shoulders and a graceful neckline. Their statures were almost completely different, and their postures were anything but friendly.

"So," they began at the same time, but Lori was the first to clamp her mouth shut and close her eyes, as if it might help detach her from the situation. Even though Rick had been a constant presence in her life since she was a freshman in high school, it was grueling what he did.

"You first." She whispered.

Rick made a thankful noise before he ran his hand across his face, which Lori noticed when she opened her eyes again. She knew he was anxious. Even after twenty years together, what was once sitting in comfortable silence was now walking on the precipice of hell.

"I wanted to apologize, first of all," Rick says, quietly. "And, I guess, to thank you giving me time."

"Bit late for an apology, don't you think?" Lori said, fingertips digging into the Styrofoam cup.

Rick made a show of taking a swig from his own coffee before placing it back down on the table. There was no friendliness in her voice, and the former sheriff seemed to have picked up on it.

"Still, better late than never, right?" Rick asked carefully, sounding each syllable out and staring at the wall past Lori's shoulder. "But, baby, listen…"

"Lori." The woman cleared her throat purposefully. Rick's expression was baffled, eyebrows furrowing and his jaw slackening briefly. He looks completely shocked, disbelief bleeding into his facial structure, clearly not expecting that.

"I'm sorry?" he asks, tone almost incredulous.

"I'm … I'd prefer if you'd call me Lori, instead," She said, frowning, and pulling at the sleeve of her thin sweater. She closed her eyes, and took a moment to come to terms of the finality of the situation. The hospital's cafeteria smelled of Lysol and disgusting food. She almost wished that Rick chose somewhere else to meet, because now it will be all the can think about when she goes to work. "You always called me 'baby' as a term of endearment. That was when we were happy and in love. That part of our lives is over. Twenty years, Rick. Two decades, just gone."

Her voice was rough, and she swallowed quickly, hoping that he got the implication and didn't demand an explanation.

His fingertips trace along the rim of his coffee cup and his eyes involuntarily follow the action. Lori could almost feel the shift in emotion, almost thick and choking around them. "I wanted to apologize," Rick continued carefully, "I didn't …Christ, Lori. I'll never be able to make it all up to you. You've done so much for me, and with the way I treated you…I know there's nothing I can say, but we have twenty years behind us. I want to at least try."

"Like I did? When you turned your back?" She retorted sharply.

Rick winced, his shoulders falling in defeat.

"You're happy?" Rick asked.

"Yeah, I suppose I am," she responded, voice clipping. "Is that a problem, Rick?"

Rick's expression tensed, "It's just…you're happy? Really? Lori, with the baby, and our marriage is over, but…you're happy? That doesn't … I don't understand."

"I didn't say that I was happy that our marriage is over, now did I?" Lori snapped, curling her fingers into her palms, nail leaving impressions in her skin. "I just said I was happy."

She fell back into her chair, glaring down into her cup in anger. "So, don't be so damned surprised that I'm happier now that …" she trails off, jaw clenching. She huffed out in irritation and dragged a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, it's just…of all the people, I don't think you have the right to tell me whether or not I'm happy. Not after everything that happened. Thinking I killed T, telling me you wish I died, Andrea…"

"You're right," Rick said, finally, after the minutes dragged on between them. "You're absolutely right." He didn't say anything else for a while, and when he finally took a swig from his tea, it was stale and cold and curled down his throat like ice. "I may not have a right to judge if you're really happy, or even if you should be."

The anger inside of Lori deflated, the bubble popping and dissipating. The only comfort she allowed for herself was to let her head drop into her hands, breathing quietly. She could feel a twinge, a slight jolt of affection run through her, at Rick's concern.

"I don't think we can even be friends," she said softly, scrubbing a hand down her face, trying to hide how red her eyes became.

Rick's mouth thins into concerned grimace. "Not yet. You need to give me time. We can try," He crinkled his cup in his hand, watching it break into pieces.

"No, Rick. No. After everything that happened… I mean, we were in a shitty place before everything happened. I remember what I said to you that morning, 'sometimes I wonder if you care about us at all.' I regretted the words as soon as I said them, but it was too late. Now, we don't have any children to hold us together, so we can just walk away."

Rick's expression crumbled as he slowly nodded, picking at his own cup of coffee. "Right, sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just…I miss you, and I still love you."

Lori smiled softly, "Thanks."

Their conversation patters off, and Rick used that this moment to simply tear apart the cup, shredding the logo on the side off.

Tension grew with every tick of the clock.

"Is this all you wanted to talk to me about? Or am I free to go now from this interrogation?"

"I'm not keeping you prisoner, am I?"

"No, but I have things to do." Lori says, standing up and preparing to walk away. Phillip stood and walked closer, an arm's length away from his love. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Rick, I really have to go. I'll see you around, I guess."

Phillip wrapped his arm around her waist as the two started to walk away. Her once graceful gait was now hobbled by a limp, due to the injury Andrea inflicted. Rick hoped that Lori would turn around and give him one last glance, but as the taller man opened the cafeteria door, she simply walked off. The heavy door swung closed with an echo.

He wondered how his life went off the rails. When he awoke from the coma he risked life and limb to get back to his family, only to leave hours later to get Merle. He knew it upset Lori, but he was more focused on helping others rather than his family.

Rick liked to think that he didn't know what he was afraid of, but the image of Lori moving on with her life without him flashes across his mind. Lori walking away in the arms of another man. Lori not needing him anymore. Lori eventually forgetting about him and what they had. Lori being happy without him, replacing him with new friends, maybe a new family, and a new future.

"See you," Rick whispered.

* * *

Rick swallowed the lump in his throat and walked away the great door swinging open and closed. He dipped out to the nearest staircase to ascend to the main floor.

He sat on a bench in the hallway. He thought of everything that happened in the past year. Getting shot and falling into a coma. Waking up in a world gone to shit. Thinking his family was dead, only to find them alive and well at the quarry. He thought of how happy Lori looked when their eyes met. Then they almost were killed at the CDC. Carl was shot. The barn fell. Shane went crazy. Lori's reaction and how much it hurt. She rejected him just when he needed her. He was angry, and wanted her to feel the pain of being pushed away. He knew he took it too far. One week was spent in silence, then she tried to apologize. He ignored her. The weeks and months went on, and it was easier for him to stay angry rather than kiss and make up. Then Andrea. The biggest mistake of his life. The hotel, the murders of their friends, what he said to her in front of Carl. He held his gun to her head, in front of Carl. He said that he wished she had an abortion. All in front of Carl. Andrea planned on her catching them having sex. She forced Lori to leave. Lori had to deliver the baby...HIS baby...by herself, alone, in a car in the middle of a snowstorm with the undead walking around. She had to put down their newborn baby.

The hotel got overrun, and he and Carl were fighting for days. Then he was gone. Just like that. The memory of his nine-year-old son's head exploding right in front of him is something Rick will never forget. Then Glenn and Bob. After walking for what seemed like an eternity they found the safety of the hospital, and by a miracle he found Lori again. But this reunion was completely different from the one at the quarry just a year earlier. There were no welcoming hugs. There was no Carl. Lori went back to using her maiden name. It was as though that part of their lives never existed. Almost twenty years, just gone.

If only. If only he ignored Andrea's advances that night. If only he had stepped up and took the advice everyone gave him. Maybe then he would have fought harder to make the hotel safer. Maybe they would still be there, everyone alive. Maybe Lori would have gotten help during the delivery and THEIR daughter would have lived. Maybe Carl would still be alive. He could be holding his baby girl right now, and his family would be intact, if only...

He thought about what he said to her at the hotel. It was unforgivable. He knew his wife better than anyone. She wouldn't, and she shouldn't put up with someone like that. Carl committed suicide in front of him. Sooner or later, she'll want the truth. How can he explain that to her? He lost her. The family he thought that he formed over the past year didn't want him. There was no coming back from any of this.

* * *

Rick made his way to the nurses' station, and took a piece of white paper and a pen. When he got back to the bench outside of Lori's room, he started writing,

"My dearest Lori,

Words can't express how sorry I am for everything I did to you. I should have been the man you needed. You have every right to hate me. You have every right to tell me to go to hell and that you never want to see me again. I'm the world biggest asshole. I think that after all these years later, this isn't love that I still feel in my heart. It's fear. It's the feeling that I haven't had since I woke up in that hospital bed. I let my damn pride get in the way, and then I thought we were too far gone. I wanted to approach you, but I just couldn't open that door. I thought there'd be more time. I wanted to find a safe place for you and the baby, and I'd work on us. I thought we could fix it. Then I didn't know how. It seemed like it was easier to stay mad at each other than to make a move. I would watch you. When you weren't looking, I would be looking at you. I miss seeing your smile. I miss being with you. Please, please, forgive me for the way I treated you. You deserve so much better than the monster I've become. I never stopped loving you. I still love you. Please forgive me. I'm still yours, baby. Even if you're not mine anymore, I'm still yours. I'll always love you. I never stopped."

He placed the paper on the empty spot near him, then the pen on top to hold it in place. He knew what he had to do.

He removed his wedding ring and placed it atop the paper, then reached into his pocket to produce the familiar necklace, earrings and wedding ring. He placed them together, the last slice of unity they'd have.

Rick headed to the stairs, and walked up seven stories to the door leading to the roof. He easily pushed open the door, and didn't even acknowledge officers Lamson, Jeffries and Gorman who were standing guard.

The closer he got to the edge of the roof of the ten-story building he heard them start to yell "Rick...stop!" He looked down at the street, and thought back to what Lori said that night at Hershel's farm...what kind of world is this, and he thought of the future he would have. He let himself fall over the edge, and saw the walkers move closer to him as the pavement got closer and closer.

Then, nothing.


	13. Wake up

Rick's eyes slowly opened, just enough for him to realize that he was in a hospital bed.

 _Shit. I survived the fall. God, just let me die._

Wincing, he squeezed them shut again and turned his head to the side. That's when he noticed a familiar blue and white vase holding dead flowers, their withered petals scattered everywhere.

A pounding started in his temples at his sudden movement, and a moan left his lips. Slowly daring to open his eyes one more time Rick blinked away the haziness of sleep and wondered what's going on.

His back hurt and he was thirsty, so he pushed the call button for the nurse. He slowly turned his head to his left and saw the clock on the wall had stopped at 2:17. He shook his head at the unsettling sense of déjà vu. He glanced down and saw he had a bandage across his chest and left shoulder and he was dressed in only a hospital gown and his boxers. "Oh God..." he whispered.

 _This can't be happening._

He inhaled so sharply that he began coughing. The smell hit him first. The typical scent of a hospital's disinfectant was overwhelmed by the stench of rotting bodies.

 _Shit..._

The bright sunlight that filled the room hurt his sensitive eyes. He had to rub his eyelids with the heels of his hands to allow him to adjust to the new sensation. The room was quiet. He tried to listen to the sound of people, monitors, or the gentle hum of any other activity that he would hear in a hospital. Nothing. a deep fear started to grow within him as he is consumed confusion.

 _Oh God, what the hell is going on?_

With another groan, he swung his legs over the edge of the mattress and felt a pounding in his head as he sat up. As vision cleared, the fog lifting from his mind, he saw the familiar hospital room where his nightmare began.

Only this time was different. He saw a clear IV bag dripping clean fluids into his veins and winced as the catheter slightly tugged against his skin.

As soon as he stood he felt weak and unsteady and had to immediately sit in a nearby chair to prevent from falling over. In a haze of confusion and frustration he ripped out his IV needle before taking a deep breath to summon courage and, on wobbly legs, made his way to the door.

He opened it slowly and pushed away the stretcher that blocked the entrance to the hallway. He looked to his right and to his left, seeing blood on the floor and bullet holes in the wall. The florescent lights were blinking sporadically, hanging like giant hornet's nests from the ceilings of the long, dead hallways.

But this time it was different. The floor was swept of the broken glass. It looked as though someone had been living here with him.

He walked down the hallway and came to a set of double doors, chained shut, with a familiar message spelled out in black spray paint: "Don't open, Dead inside."

 _What the hell is this?_

"Shit." He heard a voice whisper, and as he turned around he had to quickly dodge a metal IV pole as it passed dangerously close to his head.

He looked closely at the woman…he saw her before. This time was different. The last time he saw her she was half a skeleton lying on the hospital floor, her body a shell of its former self.

"Oh, thank God. You're alive." She said, laughing with relief.

Sensing his confusion, the strawberry blonde smiled. "I'm Lilly. Your nurse. I'm the one who's been the one taking care of you."

"What's going on?" He asked, trying to shake off the memory of his dream while it was still so fresh in his mind.

"It started about a month ago, with some weird stories on the news. They thought it was the bath salts stuff, but it was different. There were riots everywhere. The big cities got hit. New York, Boston, Miami. But it wasn't just riots. Nobody was breaking into cars or buildings, they were killing each other. The news reporters who were there started to panic and the camera guys caught live images of people going crazy. They were…like…eating each other."

"My wife. My son."

"Lori and Carl. Yeah, I knew them well. Shane came here and made them leave. About an hour later the military guys were here, and they just started shooting people. Not the things that were walking around, but real people."

"I gotta get to them." His voice rasped, thinking of living the entire past year over and over again.

Lilly shook her head no. "Those things are all over the parking lot. I cleared the stairwells. All the doors are locked up, and this floor and the fifth floor are the only one's clear."

The memory hit him hard. The fifth floor. He remembered the police escort Shane gave him and Lori to Holden Memorial Hospital as Rick held his wife's hand for the elevator to take them to the maternity wing.

"Are the babies…"

"There were only four at the time, and three went home safely. The other baby is in the nurses' station with my daughter."

Rick shuddered in confusion, trying to grasp onto reality versus his dream. He opened his mouth to speak, but a wave of nausea washed over him and he began to dry heave onto the floor. Lilly stepped forward and rubbed his back as the feeling subsided.

"You said it's been a month?" He asked, once he caught his breath.

"Yeah. I tried to get home, but I couldn't do it. I have two little kids now, and couldn't bring them out to the parking lot. Like I said, those things are everywhere. The news kept coming in, and every hour the it was worse. All they knew was it was a highly contagious virus. The worst thing I saw was an Atlanta Braves game. It was broadcast live on the tv. There were fifty thousand people there, and within minutes it was total chaos. The Governor of Georgia issued a state of emergency. Then California, Florida, New York, Montana, Massachusetts…the phone lines cut out, and the power grid fell. That's all I know."

"I gotta get to my family." Rick blurted, his emotions getting the better of him.

Lilly hesitated before adding. "Alright, go lie down and I'll check on the kids. I'll come back and remove your catheter. I'll get a bandage for your arm, too."

* * *

Once he was free from his tether and his arm was mended, Rick followed the woman as she led him back to the small locker room near the nurses' station. He noticed a newborn sleeping in a bassinette and a toddler plopped on the couch. Empty cartons of ready-to-feed bottles were neatly lined up on the desk, along with an overflow of diapers and food containers in the trash can. Toys for the girl were scattered around the room, and Lilly blocked the shut door with a chair from the table.

Weapons fashioned out of IV poles were lined up like soldiers and kept within reach.

"Can't be too safe." She whispered, when she caught Rick's questioning gaze. "In Los Angeles, a news copter caught a dead man coming back to life and attacking the paramedic. Airplanes started crashing all over the place. Everyone thought it was terrorism, but this was weird. I was watching the news and one of the anchors fell over. It looked like he had a stroke because he started to mumble his words. The station kept rolling, and just moved him off camera. Minutes later the other guy was screaming. That was the last broadcast before everything went black."

The nurse paused, numb to the events she witnessed over the past month but happy to have another adult to talk to.

"Sheriff, this is my daughter, Mika. The baby's name is Luke."

He felt as though he was on the receiving end of a field sobriety test. He had to keep his head still and his eyes followed Lilly's finger as it passed from left to right in front of his face. She asked him to smile to check for facial symmetry, raise his eyebrows, lift his legs and arms, one at a time and checked if there was any muscle trembling. He squeezed her index finger with each hand and he closed his eyes and brought his index finger from his lap to touch his nose.

"Okay, just some basic questions. What's your name?"

"Richard Michael Grimes."

"Date of Birth?"

"June fourteenth, nineteen eighty-one."

"What's Lori's date of birth?"

"July seventeenth, nineteen eighty-two."

"Best not to forget that one, right?"

"Mama? Home mama." Mika said softly, as she raised her arms to be cradled picked up.

"Maybe, honey. We'll see."

"How long was I in the coma?" he asked eventually.

"About three months."

His mind raced to his dream as he tried to figure out where his family would be. Was Carl okay…if Sophia never went missing, he would not have gone into the woods. But would they still be at the quarry? He was the one to give the hand grenade to Carol, but if he didn't would everyone be dead when the CDC was destroyed?

The thought of his family, Lori, Carl and his daughter, being alone and terrified in their last moments caused him to come undone. Seconds passed by, and Rick crumbled down to the ground, curling himself into a ball, spasms violently shaking his body as he didn't even try to mask his emotions.

Mistaking his grief for bewilderment, Lilly rubbed his back and tried to offer comfort.

"You're confused. It's okay." The nurse reassured softly. "I'm sorry. Shane is practical. I'm sure he did whatever her could. I haven't left this place in a month, but there's still hope. You gottta hold onto that."

She helped him back to his chair and handed him a bottle of fresh water, which he drank hungrily.

"Slow down. You're gonna need time to adjust. You seem okay, but you just got out of bed for the first time in months."

* * *

His first reaction was undoubtedly shock, followed by panic, followed by horror. Then he remembered...I'm back to square one. I'm starting over...I know what to do this time. Everything will be different. He had lost Lori last time because of his anger he wasn't going to lose her again. He wasn't going to let it destroy any chance he had to make-up with his wife and maybe even save his friendship with Shane.

Two-year-old Mika toddled over and climbed into his lap, wiping away his stray tears with her chubby fingers.

"It spread like wildfire. It was hell being here. We're three floors above the morgue but we could hear the screaming. People were dead, but they were walking around." She bit her lip, trying to maintain her composure. "I was on shift that day, so she was in the day care. When everything went crazy we went on lockdown. I grabbed the her and ran to one of the surgeon's private offices. A couple hours after the screaming was over, I told her to stay quiet while I started walking around. It was bad, those things were all over the place. There was a guy in camouflage, and he was gone. Like, his brain matter was everywhere. I took his gun and worked my way to what was around. The bodies were gone, and I watched them line the up outside."

"How'd you get Luke?"

"Mika wanted juice, and the only place that has it was on the maternity wing. The place was empty, but I could hear a small cry. I followed it to a private room and he was lying on the bathroom floor in a diaper. If I didn't get to him in time…" Her voice trailed off as she winced at the memory.

"Mama, home." Mika stated flatly, as she remained in Rick's lap.

With sadness in her face she looked at her daughter and told her, "Baby girl, we can't it's not safe."

Rick thought back to his dream. In the beginning, it was just him. Now he had a woman and two young children to care for, and he was determined to keep them safe. He needed to get to his family.

He stood and held the toddler in his arms as he looked out over the familiar parking lot. He saw the bodies lined up, wrapped in white sheets.

"You have a car out there?" He asked

"Yeah, it's the red Honda."

Rick looked at the number of walkers in the parking lot and reminded himself that they had only one shotgun. He saw the burned helicopter and bodies of the men in fatigues.

 _Get Lilly and the kids to a car. Use the guts trick to get all the guns and ammo._

"Alright. What's the food situation?"

Lilly looked at him, bewildered. "I emptied all the vending machines on all the floors. The cafeteria, well, I got what I could. Water and crackers and stuff like that. The fresh fruit is gone, everything else is contaminated."

"What about diapers for the baby?"

"I cleared it out."

Lilly watched as Rick was lost in thought…. he was planning something.

"Alright. We need to fill up as many bags as we can. Water, first aid supplies, medicine, everything we can grab. I'll get you out of here, but you gotta do what I say."


	14. Home

Lilly nervously looked at Rick as she held Mika in her arms. With Luke in asleep on his left shoulder, the sheriff held the key fob for a surgeon's Mercedes and pointed it at the luxury vehicle.

"Get you key ready." He whispered.

He was dressed in a pair of dark blue scrubs under a surgeon's smock and a pair of shoes from the lost and found. Lilly stuffed everything she could into a dozen diaper bags that were given to new mothers as they were sent home with their new bundles of joys.

She nodded, the anxiety written on her face.

The last hour at the hospital was spent collecting medical equipment, extra pairs of scrubs and first aid supplies.

He pointed the controller at the automobile and pressed the panic button, watching as the three dozen walkers lumbered to the noise.

As soon as the trip to the car was safe, the two adults sprinted to Lilly's Honda. The interior of the two-door hatchback was sweltering after weeks of sitting in the hot summer sun. Lilly breathed a sigh of relief when the engine started, and turned up the air conditioning as she leaned over the center console to place Mika in her car seat.

The cramped quarters and the way she twisted her body gave Rick a clear view of the sunflower tattoo on her lower back.

Once they were settled, Rick gave the nurse Luke to hold while he reached into his black duffle bag and grabbed the yellow cleaning gloves and hunting knife from the camouflaged man.

Lilly watched in disgust as the sheriff let a walker approach before he used the blade to take the former man down.

"Here, baby." She said to Mika, handing her a coloring book and a pile of melted crayons, anything to avoid her having to watch the sight of Rick gutting the walker and wipe the entrails on his clothing.

She shook her head in disbelief when he was suddenly invisible to the undead. He easily found the black Nissan SUV, which belonged to one of the fellow nurses, and filled it with bags of medical supplies before heading to the top of the ill to gather the other military grade weapons and ammo.

He stripped off the smock and gloves before getting into the driver's seat and heading to Lilly's window,

"I'll follow you to your apartment."

"How'd you know to do that?" she asked, pointing to the gutted walker.

"Just a hunch." He replied, trying to erase the image of Wayne Dunlap.

Rick's heart clenched when they passed half a skeleton in the grass next to a bicycle on the ground. They passed by Carl's school, a post office a gas station with a sign reading "NO GAS" swinging with a light breeze. Rick's watched in stunned silence as a skeletal version of a young girl, dressed in pajamas and a bathrobe, wandered by the side of the road with a teddy bear hanging from her hand.

They drove past the fields and farmlands of the county, taking note of the changing leaves – normally vibrant reds and oranges now mostly brown. The road was littered with bodies of the undead, the tell-tale signs of blood from the head forming a halo-shaped pool around them.

Yellow tape with the words "Police Line Do Not Cross" printed periodically in black across it, covered dozens of homes and businesses as they got closer to the Grimes residence.

They drove by Carl's school, a post office a gas station with a sign reading "NO GAS" swinging with a light breeze. Rick's watched in stunned silence as a skeletal version of a young girl, dressed in pajamas and a bathrobe, wandered by the side of the road with a teddy bear hanging from her hand.

 _What the hell is going on?_

Rick slowed down as Lilly turned right into The Grove apartment complex, slowly driving through the deserted parking lot to her ground floor apartment on the other side of the main building.

The sheriff turned off his engine and went to the nurses' car to sit with the children while she ran to grab only the essentials from her apartment. He sat in the cool but cramped vehicle, Mika asleep in the backseat, her chubby cheeks red from the heat.

He held Luke close to his body, feeling the infant softly move in his arms. He was immediately reminded of holding Carl, who was born just shy of their fifth anniversary. When he saw Lilly, armed with one of the IV poles, safely enter her flat, that was when he let the demons invade his psyche.

Lori and Carl were constantly on his mind, from the moment he awoke just hours ago. When he looked at the girl with the teddy bear she was significantly more decayed than she was the first time, making him think of where his family would be.

His body shook with sobs as he held the motherless child, the embodiment of innocence in a world gone to shit.

While Lilly sat in the Honda with the children, Rick quietly slipped out the SUV and picked up the lone, worn, weather-beaten copy of the local newspaper which sat in the driveway as he headed to the side door of the attached garage. There was a small garden in which red and white roses grew, which Lori took so much pride in tending, that was now chocked with weeds. He found the extra key, hidden in a plastic rock and let himself inside.

The place was empty. His cruiser was missing, as was the familiar blur Toyota minivan.

Where were they?

He manually opened the doors and let Lilly take one spot while he got back into the black vehicle and eased it into the spot he traditionally took.

The stale, musty air permeated the home. Rick was tempted to open the window for fresh air, but was worried their scent would attract walkers.

"Make yourself at home." He said solemnly.

Mika started running around the living room, enjoying the freedom she finally had after more than a month of being locked in the nurses' breakroom.

As he unfolded the yellowed paper, he didn't want his mind to let him think about the pre-teen boy who took pride in the paper route.

The headlines stood out to him;

 _All residents are ordered to shelter in place._

 _Reports of outbreaks as far away as London and New Zealand._

 _Massachusetts and Texas are now under quarantine._

 _Casualties are now in the hundreds of thousands._

Their beautiful home on Pine Street was everything they had wanted. Lori took delight in decorating, right down to the colors of the walls. The carpet was tan, the walls a light brown, and the plush sofa was red. Lori's taste for décor had everything look as though it could be pictured in a magazine.

Lori toyed with the idea of taking classes for interior design, just something she use to turn her hobby into a job that brought in the money.

Rick looked at the pictures that adorned the walls. The framed wedding picture of the two was sandwich between the photos of his parents on one side and her parents on the other.

They had more knick-knacks and throw pillows he thought most people had. It was their dream home, or it was supposed to be. He wasn't blind to the cracks in his family. Things had changed over the years they had been married. The warm glow of marriage had grown cold, leaving them both very lonely and unsure of how to be.

Their future, which was always so cheerful and clear to him, became a dark, deserted highway at night.

She always wanted him to talk more. But, although she would never say that anything to him, she seemed to be annoyed at him all the time. They both could feel the mutual tug that pulled them apart.

But he tried. Sometimes he did so just to hear some noise after days of silence.

He went to the living room and looked around, the familiar scents of his house, the home he shared with his wife and son, were filling his nose. So many memories. He didn't know what was real. The world in which he lived for two years was so real. He could remember the feel of Shane's blood, the screams when someone was torn apart, what he said to Lori, and the panic when she left.

Of all the places in their home, the sofa was their uncontested favorite.

They would snuggle together, laughing at ridiculous moments from their shared favorite TV show. Eventually, their soft giggles turn into gentle, sweet kisses. And after a short while, those kisses turned heated.

He was always so worried for her safety.

Choking back a sob, he began to check under the sink and in the pantry for a morsel of food, finding a dented can of tuna and a plastic bottle of peaches. He didn't even notice the folded-up note on the counter. He approached the note cautiously, as though it might take off and fly away from him or something. He unfolded it with trembling fingers, scanning the familiar handwriting hastily,

 _"Rick, my love._

 _I hope you get this note. I hope you're alive. I just wish I can tell you where to find us. Something weird is going on. It started with a bunch of kids being out of school, then riots at grocery stores. I'm scared. Carl's scared._

 _Shane's taking us somewhere. He mentioned Eagles Nest, just because that's the best view of the city._

 _I don't know what's happening. I want to know you're at peace, but dammit, I want to see you again._

 _Please don't think we left you…I just don't know what's going on._

 _Be careful and stay safe. I love you so much. I hope to see you again soon._

 _My love,_

 _Lori"_

He was no longer aware of what was going on around him, all he could see were the memories of his life, the good and bad. Lori was the most prominent and consistent person in every thought.

Before everything happened, life was tense, but he still loved her. Her touches and kisses felt hollow after so many years together, but her touch still set his skin on fire.

They had a connection, down to the cellular level, that went beyond anything he had felt with anyone. Decades of memories and a child together had to mean something.

He knew. At this point, he knew she would have been with Shane. But he understood why. Rick knew he could be a closed mouth son of a bitch. He remembered his dream, if that's what it was, that she was so frustrated when he was always running off to solve other people's problems. He remembered. He remembered the looks of hurt and frustration on her face.

Shane was a constant companion, the trio going back to high school.

He treasured his family. After his own childhood, he knew he had to treasure his marriage. But he knew that if they thought he was dead, she would need emotional comfort.

He was willing to forget the indiscretion to live in harmony.


	15. Planning

The house was uncomfortable hot, but at least he was home, Rick told himself.

 _Home. Whatever that meant now._

The house he shared with his wife and son was home. What he was in now was just a shell of his past life.

Suddenly, his hometown of Kings County, and hope of ever finding Lori and Carl alive and well, seemed far away.

He walked around the main floor of the home. He could hear Lilly's light snoring from the guest room down the hallway as Mika was stretched out on the sofa and Luke was on a soft blanket on the floor.

He picked up one of the framed pictures that were left in the house, of the three smiling while sitting on their front porch, their late dog Zeus nearby.

Even through the good times and bad, he loved his family. Lori was his rock; his port in the storm, and he never realized how much she was a part of his life until he didn't see her every day.

"I'll find you again," he whispered. "I'll see you again, I swear." He whispered at the photo, tracing the outline of Lori's face and wanting more than anything else to reach through the picture and touch them one more time.

It was then, in the quiet darkness of someplace so familiar, that he felt like an outsider. He was exhausted to the point of collapse, but couldn't stand the thought of lying in an empty bed. The last time he and Lori shared that same space, the night before his nightmare began, they made love and fell asleep in each other's arms. Now, he didn't know if his wife and child were alive or dead.

By the light of a single candle he started to look through an old phone book. He knew his hometown well, and wanted to make sure he could get every supply he could.

Rick scribbled on a piece of white paper; food, water, diapers, formula, guns, ammo. Try CDC?

The question in the back of his mind demanded an answer, so he looked through the residential phone numbers until he found what he was looking for. Greene, H. After consulting the tattered map, he realized the Greene farm was forty miles away.

Thanks to looking through the next-door neighbor's vacant house, he found several gallons of water, canned beans and two boxes of oatmeal. He thought that would cover breakfast for Lilly and Mika, and enough water for Luke's bottle.

He tried to formulate a plan. As soon as the sun rose, he would leave the kids and Lilly in the safety of his home and scavenge for supplies. The phonebook told him where the local medical clinics were, and he knew the local taverns for which he signed gun permits. He's try the police station, if nothing else to get walkie-talkies for when he and Lilly hit the road, depending on how long they decide to stay.

He knew he'd have to try to find Morgan, but since everything seemed different he wondered if they would be able to meet. Out of force of habit, he glanced at the clock at the wall, still stopped at two-seventeen.

He dragged his hands wearily through his hair as he stared out the window. Darkness blanketed the area as he watched the silent street, amazed at how it could seem so calm and peaceful when death lingers at every corner.

Eventually he climbed up the stairs to the bedroom, looking around at the emptied dresser drawers. The room was stifling. Even the dust seemed to burn his nose when he inhaled.

He let his body fall on the mattress, drawing his legs to his chest and hugging his knees. His eyes closed of their own volition, and he found herself thinking about his life. He took Lori's pillow, a hint of strawberry shampoo still lingering on the case, and buried his head under the silky material. He knew the dreams would come, because they always did

He had to figure out how to turn his brain off. Just for a little.

 _The on-campus pub had a country music themed night, and ten-gallon hats were given out as a prop to all the men. Rick had no idea how she did it, but Lori pulled together a flower printed skirt, a white tank top and knee-high boots._

 _The three headed to the bar, Shane buying the first round of drinks._

 _Rick and Lori stayed together, sitting at the edge of the bar. An hour passed, and neither one moved. Around them, the tavern came to life. Laughter, music and loud conversations all seemed oblivious to the two, wrapped in their own little cocoon in the corner. Rick watched Lori's face light up as she laughed; she was radiant with her hair spilling down her back and a smile on her lips._

 _He was chuckling and shaking his head no when she dragged him onto the dance floor for "Boot Scoot Boogie."_

 _"I can't do this…two left feet." He shouted over the deafening noise._

 _"I don't know what I'm doing either. Go with the flow, I guess." She laughed._

 _He danced with her as her smile lit up the room. She easily fit in with the crowd and seemed to be in her element. It was relaxed and casual, and he could not remember another time he had had that much fun. He was mesmerized when he saw her moves on the dance floor. Her hips moved to the music, and soon her arms, legs and the top of her breasts were covered in a whisper thin sheen of sweat._

 _When the music slowed and Garth Brooks started singing about the next day never arriving, they melted together and they swayed to the music._

 ** _Sometimes late at night, I lie awake and watch her sleeping, She's lost in peaceful dreams, So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark, And the thought crosses my mind, If I never wake up in the morning, Would she ever doubt the way I feel, About her in my heart…_**

 _Her arms were wrapped around his neck he held her as close as possible. He had one arm securely wrapped around her lower back, almost lifting her up as they danced together._

 ** _If tomorrow never comes, Will she know how much I loved her, Did I try in every way to show her every day, That she's my only one…_**

 _Their mouths gently brushed against each other, softly at first than more passionately. When Lori felt the tip of his tongue tickling her lips she opened her mouth wider, allowing it entrance. She felt his hardness pressing on her groin, and pulled him even closer._

 ** _'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life, Who never knew how much I loved them, Now I live with the regret, That my true feelings for them never were revealed, So I made a promise to myself, To say each day how much she means to me, And avoid that circumstance, Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel…_**

Rick awoke and was relieved to be in his own bed at home, and as he shook off the last haziness of sleep he realized that he was not dreaming.

When he heard the young girl's giggle and Luke's fussing, his mind took him back to the days of Carl being a toddler and Lori desperately trying to keep the child quiet so the sheriff could sleep.

He needed to find his family.

"How long do you think you're gonna be gone?"

"I dunno. There's stuff I gotta do. We need things." Rick replied.

"You don't want us to go with you?"

He shook his head vehemently.

"No. It's not safe out there. With two little kids, you're safer here. Lori always used that hand sanitizer, so that's one way of getting cleaned up. I gotta make sure the station is still standing. If it is we can go and take showers."

"I feel like I need to do something."

"You've kept me alive. Just rest here with the kids. You're safe here. I gotta figure out some things."

Sweat was already pouring down his face as he emptied both vehicles, asking Lilly to try to organize the medical supplies.

"I got some duffle bags and a suitcase downstairs. We should stay for one more night before we leave, and" _memories of the massacre at Hershel's farm, the CDC explosion and scavenging for food raced through his mind._ "Just, you're safe here. We'll hit the road tomorrow."

"Leave for what?" She asked, her voice sharp with impatience.

"That's what I gotta figure out."


	16. Preparing

He drove Lilly's small Honda, intending on bringing back a bigger vehicle filled with supplies. The trees and road that should have seemed familiar were more alien to him than any world he had been to in recent years. The once alive world, when you could stop at a Starbucks, Olive Garden, McDonalds or a CVS was dead. The buildings were barely standing, having been either looted or burned to the ground. So many dreams and any sense of normalcy was gone.

The first stop was to the Wilson homestead.

The old ranch home looked nothing like the tidy home Lori's mother took pride in keeping. The grass and shrubs were overgrown, the bay window for the sunroom was broken, and there was no sign of anyone, living or dead, moving around.

Rick held his Colt in his hand as he entered the unlocked house. It was looted and the sharp, pungent smell of death hung in the air.

He counted four blood pools, one for Lori's mother, sister, and twin nephews. He followed two of the drag marks to the backyard to one large mound of dirt.

Trying to contain his emotions he pictured Lori carrying the lifeless bodies of each of her nephews to the grave the four shared.

As if on cue, the rain began to fall – huge, sporadic drops which thumped loudly against his skin.

"Help me find her. Please. I need her and Carl." He whispered to the mound of dirt, hoping that somehow their souls would lead him to his family.

* * *

The barracks stuck out like a sore thumb against the rural landscape. Lined up beside the building were a dozen marked police cars. They were empty, of course, the officers having been dispatched to take care of no-win situation.

He used his key to enter the building, sniffing the air before he moved in any further. The air was stale, but no hint of decay. That gave him the motivation to continue his mission. Though late summer, the black tar paper of the roof of the police station seemed to soak up every ray the sun sent down, turning it into an uncomfortable sauna. The heat rose in waves towards the far side of the building.

He saw the messages, white paper lying in a pile on the floor below the fax machine.

 _The virus is highly contagious._

 _Casualties are now in the thousands._

 _"A bite or a scratch can immediately transmit the virus."_

* * *

Lilly stood in the hallway, looking at the framed photos of the Grimes. They ranged from a formal portrait taken by a professional photographer to a casual picture of the three sitting behind Carl's birthday cake.

Thinking about the family she saw, her eyes started to water. She and Lori spent hours talking at the hospital, and the nurse felt her heart drop when she realized that Rick was probably alone in the world. She had Mika, and Luke took a shine to Rick. But at some point, he had to face the ugly fact that his family was gone.

She looked out the window, staring at the lush greenery that surrounded them. It was peaceful and gave off the deceiving feeling that the world was still all right.

When the rain began to fall, she opened the window to try to usher in a slight breeze.

* * *

He walked around the familiar building, hoping that his colleagues and friends are either at peace or safe somewhere.

As he walked over to his own desk, he saw a small collection of family photos. The images hit him like a tidal wave, crashing over and soaking through his clothes, seeping into his soul.

Carl was only a toddler in the first picture, seated upon his mother's lap. Lori's face is young and smooth, stretched with the bright smile that always gripped his heart.

The dam cracks and Rick's eyes begin to water. Everything felt so dreamlike that it was almost painful, as though the pure contentment he once knew so well was nothing but a memory of a hazy dream.

He inhaled sharply, a shaken, wet breath and let it out in a hard sigh. He thought about his coma, and wondered if anything will ever feel real again.

 _Maybe this is my life flashing before my eyes. Maybe I'm still lying on the grass and dying. Maybe I'm already in hell._

He picked up the last photo, taken on the wedding day. It was a close-up of a tender moment after the kiss that sealed their vows. Their foreheads are pressed together, their eyes closed. Lips hover close but don't touch, their corners pulling up—a whisper of joy that seems to burst with sound.

* * *

Lilly took her time digging through the various items in the bathroom. She set aside boxes of tampons, extra toothpaste and Lori's moisturizing lotions.

Once she was finished in the bathroom, Lilly moved to the master bedroom. She knew she would never be able to wear Lori's clothing. The brunette was tall and as thin as a rail, compared to the much shorter woman with ample curves.

She wondered how long the miss-matched family would be able to stay at the house. There was no running water or fresh food, and just minimal food for the kids.

She had a hunch that Rick knew more about what was going on than he said. He knew to spread the entrails to go undetected. She remembered reading a book in nursing school that told of a coma patient being able to hear what was going on around them.

Although she was new to the profession, she thought Rick was hiding something from her.


	17. Clues

Bassett's pickup tore down a lonesome back-road to the Eagle's Nest quarry, the dust of the hard-pack churning up like a billowing cloud behind it. The bed contained a dozen Jerry cans, filled with gas he siphoned from the other police cars at the department.

Rick had to know.

He got the familiar quarry, and breathed deeply, appreciating the clean air which smelled mostly of vegetation baking in the sun, but he recognized the hint of decay and burnt flesh.

He walked around, seeing the tire tracks from Dale's RV, the tents which now littered the ground in pieces, and noticed signs of a campfire.

 _This was real. This happened._

He saw the smoldering remains of a pile of burned walkers, far from where the main part of the camp, but he was brought to his knees when he saw two mounds of fresh dirt, graves containing those who died that night.

With his heart in his throat and his hands shaking, he went directly to the graves. He had to know.

With his bare hands he pushed away the dirt until he reached the resident of the earth. Decomposition hit his senses and he felt a wave of nausea at the stench.

The rain picked up and helped wash away the last pebbles of dirt that revealed Ed's face.

Rick wished he had a definite answer rather than following breadcrumbs. He knew what he had to look at the other grave to know for sure, but, he was doing the grim business of digging up a graveyard.

As with Ed's grave, he pushed back the soil until he reached the occupant. The blonde hair, caked in blood and mud, told him what he needed to know.

Amy.

* * *

He knew he shouldn't think about what could have happened. He knew he should be searching for food and water to bring home to Lilly and the kids.

Yet he kept walking, but his breathing was beginning to feel labored, like the desert in his throat has somehow closed off the passage of air to his lungs. It makes his chest uncomfortably tight and his head foggy, and he was just incredibly tired.

His mind took him to the timeline Lori followed. First Shane took her and Carl to her mother's, then the quarry. That was where he came back to his family. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, trying t remember from his dream what happened next.

 _The CDC. Then they were stuck in the traffic jam and Sophia ran off. Carl got shot, and they met the Greene's'. But what happened since he wasn't there?_

His mother in law and her family were dead and buried. The quarry was still attacked.

It would be a day long trip to the CDC, and he didn't know if the building would still be standing.

They couldn't afford to waste the gas, and he would have to explain to Lilly why he wanted to go, and mention the dream. His mind was spinning.

The hotel.

It was a long shot, but they could go to the hotel. It was months on foot after the farm fell, heading north based on what Eugene promised.

Despite being at the hotel for weeks, he never took note of the name of the place. The black cloud of not knowing what had happened or what he should do had settled firmly over him. He saw with his back against a tree, letting the rain washed over him as he occasionally swiped at his eyes with his shirtsleeve.

Something caught his eye.

He wasn't sure if it was the heat, lack of food or pure exhaustion from lack of sleep. Maybe he was hallucinating, but he stood and walked over to the tree branch that held onto a button down blue and white plain shirt.

 _Lori._

She was here. The shirt was his, but she loved wearing it. Some night she'd tease him by wearing it, with nothing underneath, to bed.

He hugged the shirt to his body, holding onto a part of his wife.

With fresh determination to find his family, he climbed back unto the pickup, relishing in the last few drops of fresh water falling all around him.

* * *

The strip mall appeared on the horizon after an hour's drive. The closer he got to his destination, the more optimistic he felt. There were a few smashed windows scattered and abandoned cars in the parking lot, there was no sign to suggest that the place had been cleaned out.

His senses were on high alert as he entered the Target, scanning his surroundings, which was dimly lit by the fading light outside. As a pleasant surprise, the store looked intact: the shelves they could see from their current position still held a fair amount of goods.

What was missing from the usual surrounding was the thick stench of rotting bodies.

Knowing he was alone and didn't have anyone to cover him, Rick decided to drive the van inside the store, allowing him to fill the pick-up with as many supplies as he could, but it would also give him a sense of security against any lone walkers that may be lurking in the shadows.

* * *

It was nightfall before Rick pulled into his driveway. After he quickly scanned the area, making sure he was alone, he hopped out of the pickup opened the door before pulling into his usual spot in the garage.

He looked up as the side door opened, as Lilly greeted him with an expression on his face he couldn't quite understand.

"Where's my car?"

"It was too small. Not safe for the kids. I stopped at Target and got a shit ton on stuff. Baby diapers, formula, a few bottles of water and some pre-packaged food."

"Some what?"

"It was in the hunting section. Pre-packaged food. People who camp use it. Got some more hand sanitizer too."

"You were gone all day."

"I got stuff done. I brought back food. Canned peaches, oatmeal, water, baby formula."

"You were gone all damn day!"

Surprised by the sudden hostility, Rick apologized, explaining how he had to retrace Lori's steps to follow the clues.

"The note she left said she went to the quarry. I had to check there. I went to her mom's, but no sign of anything. All the food in her house was gone. Maybe Shane took everything."

She bit back a scathing reply. Fighting about it wasn't the way to change his mind. "Alright, I'm sorry."

"What's going on, Lilly?"

They stare at one another a long moment, the silence like a rapid pulse between them; throbbing, alive.

"You were gone all day. I had no way to reach you."

Raising his arms in defiance, Rick replied, "Sorry, but I had to get things. I picked up a pair of walkie-talkies from the station. You have one in the pick-up, I'll have one in the SUV. I have an idea where to start going, and we'll hit the road tomorrow.

They settled back into a strained silence until she decided maybe the best tactic was to go along with it, at least for now.

* * *

After a quiet dinner, Rick gave Luke a bottle and put him to bed, trying not to think of Carl as he softly sang, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" to the infant before placing him on the soft blanket in the middle of the floor.

Lilly took Mika to the guestroom to get some sleep, and while Rick was alone he worked tirelessly through the night.

A plastic tote Lori used for Christmas decorations were emptied and filled with medical equipment from the hospital. Another was used for fresh clothes for the children, and a third used for personal hygiene supplies. He attached the base of the car seat into the backseat of the SUV, intending on taking Luke with him. He used another tote to keep close bottles of pre-made baby formula, a few dozen bottles of water, and powdered formula. Clothes for Mika and Luke were kept nearby.

He filled a suitcase with Carl's clothes, another for Lori's, and a third for his own. He stripped the house of anything of sentimental value. The framed pictures he took from his desk at the station were removed from the glass enclosures, with Rick's intentions of keeping the smiling faces of his family ever present on his sun visor.

Rick put aside all the weapons he could find, not just from the house but the police station and the sport's section of the department store. Incidentals, such as flashlights, a compass, candles and hunting knives were placed among the tote of clothing.

The thought of his dream, or maybe it was a premonition, was always on his mind. He remembered being on the road and being hungry. If they started out with only two vehicles it would save on the gas they'd have to use.

He wouldn't make the same mistakes this time.

* * *

After the four had breakfast, as meager as it was, Lilly watched as Rick's eyes got misty when he looked around his home for the last time.

"You'll be back. I'm sure of it. Once the government gets this thing figured out, they'll be a cure and you'll be back."

 _I hope so._

Rick nodded and walked into the garage, manually opening the twin doors before waving Lilly out of her spot, then he hoped into the SUV and backed out.

 _I want to come back here. I want my family back._

After stepping on the emergency brake, Rick got out of the vehicle one last time to close the doors, locking his house for now, hoping it would be buzzing with life again someday.

He turned the air conditioning on before using the walkie to connect with Lilly.

"You hear me alright?"

"Yep."

"Alright. Follow me."

He took a deep breath and put the vehicle into gear before heading out to the Greene farm.


	18. On the Road

Fairburn Road. Rick had gone out on so many supply runs that he remembered the area where the Greene homestead stood. The large expanse of land gave them not just freedom to move around in what they thought was safety, but they had fresh food on the table three times a day.

With one hand on the wheel, the other on a local map, and his attention on Luke, he silently prayed that he would find his family.

Miles upon miles passed until he met a long line of traffic on the other side of the road. He paused…the last time he was on that very same road was when he was on a horse. Before he found his family, before people who counted on him started to die, before his marriage imploded, before his friendship with Shane turned from kids playing hide and go seek as grade schoolers to grown men fighting to the death.

He scanned the area for any hint of something familiar. The light green car Shane took for himself, that was handy when it came to drop off Randall. Dale's RV. Anything.

He found nothing.

He realized that he was the reason everything being different. He stayed in the coma longer than the first time. Shane took Lori and Carl to safety, but the camp was still attacked. It was his idea to go to the CDC, and Shane's idea to try Fort Benning.

Then he remembered Hatley's and what Dave said. _"I hate to piss in your cornflakes, officer, but We ran across a grunt who was stationed at Benning. He said the place was overrun by lamebrains_."

He tried to reason with his own mind. Hershel went to the bar because of his grief over the walkers in the bar. Lori was so tired of him running off and desperate to get him back she wrecked Maggie's car trying to look for him. They brought back Randal, and Shane went crazy.

But if they were never there to begin with, he could leave Lilly and the kids with Hershel and leave. Stay away until he found his family. If he never returned, Lilly would be in good hands.

Maybe the Greene farm will be the haven they need. They were on the road, following Rick's direction, when Dale's RV broke down and Sophia ran away. Carl got shot and Otis told them about Hershel.

But this time he wasn't there to mess things up. Maybe Sophia never ran off. Maybe they found refuge, a gated community or a different farm.

He was yanked out of his trance when he saw three brick buildings, one with a green pitch roof, the center an unreadable red sign with a metal overhang, and the last building, which sparked hope in his chest. An asphalt parking lot surrounded it, complete with handicapped markers and no-parking signs, but the windows were dark, the lot empty.

 _Steve's Pharmacy._

He remembered. Lori was so afraid of bringing a new baby into the world, especially when they couldn't protect the son they already had.

His heart started to thunder in his chest when he turned onto Fairburn Road. Everything looked so familiar, yet so alien.

He saw the name on the mailbox at the end of the gravel driveway. Greene.

"Rick, where are you going?" The walkie-talkie crackled to life.

He didn't answer, his attention was on the task at hand…finding his family.

His gut clenched when he saw the still smoldering remains of the charred farmhouse. The barn was gone, and there were dozens of walkers, some completely scorched, walking the land.

"Rick? You okay? What's going on? I'm not getting out of this car and we can't stay here."

* * *

He pulled into the spot in front of Steve's Pharmacy, numb that his one hope was diminished.

A sharp knock on the driver's window startled him. Lilly was looking at him through furious eyes.

"What the hell was that? What's going on?"

Thinking quickly, Rick responded, "I knew the guy who lived there. I thought he could help."

Running her hands through her hair in frustration, the nurse snapped, "You could've said something. We gotta find someplace. Mika's missed her nap and she's hungry."

* * *

Twenty miles down the road, Rick shut and secured the glass doors of the local Big Spot store. The roof had partially collapsed, chunks of ceiling and drywall hanging precariously down from the rafters.

To accommodate both vehicles, Rick had Lilly and Mika stay in the SUV while he inspected the store for walkers before moving the shelving to act as a barrier against the floor to ceiling windows.

He felt as though he was already past the point of staying alive, as though he may be too late, as the world forgot about him. Just like his father, the world didn't give a shit about his feelings.

Not a word was spoken as the two adults worked in tandem to take out a pair of clothes for the children. Lilly, desperate to get away from the heartless stone she thought of as Rick Grimes, took a cart and started to walk up and down the aisles, taking the remaining canned food.

Rick prepared a bottle for Luke as Lilly started dinner. Applesauce, canned pears, crackers and juice boxes. Hardly a meal they were used to having, but they learned to cherish every moment.

"So, what was it back there?" Lilly asked.

"I told you. I knew the guy. Thought he might be able to help."

"That's not what I asked, Rick." She was speaking with annoyance heavy in her voice.

She took a deep breath and continued.

"Rick, look. It's been only a couplea days since you woke up. But it's like you know how to exist in this world. You spread that guy's guts all over you, and now, it's like you're always looking over your shoulder. Were you, like, in the boy scouts or something? Always be prepared?"

He became quiet, thinking of what to say. If he told her about the coma dream and retracing his steps she'll think he's a lunatic. She may question why they were headed for a farm and a hotel and not a place like a military base.

The silence that hung in the air was so thick that Lilly could practically taste it. She waited for an answer that she knew would not come. She was watching him fidget, gathering his thoughts...thinking of how to change the subject.

"Tomorrow we need to go through the cars out there. Get clothes, food, water."

Lilly scoffed. "I don't know how I feel about that. It's not right. This place is a graveyard."

He let out a deep sigh before closing his eyes and leaning his head back, letting it settle against the wall.

"Can you please talk to me? Please. Just let me know what's going on."

Rick remained quiet, his face now soaked in darkness, unreadable and unreachable. When at last he spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. It echoed in the enclosed space, like an underscore of sorrow.

"If I tell you what I know, you're gonna think I'm crazy."

"I don't judge." She replied flatly.

After fidgeting with his fingernails, Rick took a deep breath and started. "It felt like a year ago. I woke up in the same room…"


	19. Talk it over

It was two months, Rick estimated, since that night at the pharmacy, when he told Lilly about his dream. She kept her distance, as much as she could in the situation, and seemed to be afraid of him.

Lilly's frustration over being told information on a need-to-know basis, due to Rick internalizing his thoughts and feelings, would often bubble over. But once she realized that he was her only hope for living in the new world, she put her fears aside and did what he said, if anything to avoid another shouting match or days of the cold shoulder.

Bassett's pick-up had been abandoned by the side of the road after a pothole claimed two tires. Rick was going on instinct, not a map, in order to get to the hotel. If that was a dead end, he would push on and try Grady. He didn't tell Lilly, but he knew that if he didn't find his family he would "opt-out," leaving her with his Colt and hoping she and the kids would be okay. He remembered that they were on foot for months between the farm and the hotel. He just didn't know where to go.

The one Jerry can that remained was tied to the roof of the SUV. Despite Rick's planning and preparing, the food supply rapidly depleted. They had three cans of pre-made formula left for Luke, but almost nothing for the other three.

* * *

The SUV, the last vestige of hope for any safety, sputtered to a stop along a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Lilly covered Mika's eyes as Rick used his hatchet to chop the arms and jaw off two walkers, allowing them to walk down the road undetected.

The leaves crunched underneath their boots despite how quietly they tried to walk, echoing through the forest, until finally the sound of their passing was overtaken by the rushing water of Bear's creek. It was narrow and easily navigated, it's clear water less than a foot deep. Soft green moss, as thick as carpet, hung over the sides where the riverbank had eroded.

The cabin was at the end of a narrow, lonely road deep in the forest, well off the interstate. Rick thought it looked abandoned. But after Lilly noticed a few cucumbers ripe for the picking, she wanted to investigate. Upon looking through the window, he saw it was a neat, practical, rather minimalist place. Two bedrooms, a small living room with a single couch, one bathroom, and a kitchen.

The door squeaked softly as he entered the hunter's cabin. The glow of the flashlights lit it almost as well as the oil lamp would have, and the soft amber light was comforting. After he ushered Lilly and Mika inside, Rick held Luke tightly as he shut the door behind him and leaned against it, letting his heart return to its normal rate and his eyes adjust.

It smelled of stale, cheap cigarettes with pungent undertones of spoiled food and decayed flesh.

"Jesus." Rick said in bewilderment, as his eyes landed on a jail cell in the corner of the sunroom.

"What the hell is that?" Lilly asked.

"I dunno. Someone was here. Let's just make sure the doors are locked up. I don't like the looks of this."

* * *

Lilly smiled when the gas stove lit, a soft glow of blue flames illuminating the cooktop.

"We can have warm food." She smiled.

"I'll go to the creek and get some water. There's gotta be a bucket around her somewhere.

Lilly watched him walk to the door and pull it open. "Rick-"

He turned around.

"We just got here. Can you just stay?"

The slamming door was the only answer.

* * *

In the safety of the hunter's cabin, with the two armless walker tethered to the railing outside, the cabin's well allowed them to take showers, albeit cold ones. They were dressed in the clothes that belonged to the owner of the cabin, a large man, and the clothing were hanging off the two while they waited for their own, hand washed by Lilly, to dry.

Luke and Mika, who both fell asleep on the sofa with full stomachs thanks to a well-stocked pantry, we peacefully dreaming while Rick and Lilly were swapping stories, trying to get to know each other a little more.

"I had two sisters, both still back in California, or what's left of it." She softly chuckled. "My parents were cool until I had Mika at when I was twenty. I still graduated on time, but they were so mad for not being their good little Christian girl. I was raised so religious it was crazy. My parents sent me and my sisters to an all-girl high school so I wouldn't be tempted. Still, freshmen year, I told them I was gonna study at a friend's. She had some weed and a really cute brother."

Lilly shifted, moving her legs while remaining sitting on the floor.

"My sister, Cathy, she was a blabbermouth. At school one day she caught me in the backseat with some guy and I was scared to death of going home. She didn't tell anyone, but I knew she knew. And she knew she could ruin me if she told our parents. The funs stuff started when I started college. I had a different boyfriend every week. Never really pinned down who Mika's daddy is. Or was. I'm not really the type to settle down. I had a Facebook boyfriend and one day I grabbed Mika and a suitcase to drive from Los Angeles to Atlanta. Turned out the guy was. Maybe you know him? He said he was Police Commissioner. Leon Bassett.?" Anyway, I made him pay to set up my apartment or I'd tell his wife."

Rick chuckled. "Hate to tell you, but Bassett wasn't the Comish. Not even close."

"Yeah, I figured that out." She laughed. Her relationships with men had followed a vicious cycle all her adult life. Guilt over her promiscuities was made better by the arms of another man. Most had been visitors just passing through, so as to not damage what little reputation she had in town - and yet the type of man who would take a nearly complete stranger into his bed was the same type who she meant nothing to afterwards...and so the worthlessness would come full circle again...and again.

"So, you're twenty-two?"

"Yeah, my birthday was sometime in August, so I guess you could say twenty-three."

"That's almost as long as Lori and I have been together."

"How'd you guys meet?"

"In high school. Biology class. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Still is. I see her whenever I close my eyes."

"Why do you think you love her so much? I mean, I saw how she was broken when you were in the coma. She and Carl are the only things you've been talking about. I guess, since I never had that bond with anyone…I don't know, but what's it like? To love someone that much?"

"It's just, God. I grew up with a messed-up family. My dad spent the day in a bottle of booze and didn't hide his girlfriends. My mom took the brunt of it. He used her like a punching bag when he wasn't yelling at her. Or he'd go weeks without saying a word to her. With Lori, I was so nervous when she met my parents for the first time. But she didn't judge. Never did. Never made me feel like an outcast. She knew I was messed up, but loved me anyway. My dad got drunk on our wedding and wanted to dance with his daughter in law. I watched closely because I knew what he was like. It took about a minute when she looked at me for help. Bastard had his hand on her ass and trying to kiss her."

"Sorry."

He nodded in acceptance.

"He hurt my mom and my brother so much. Really messed them up. My brother shot himself in the head. Me and Shane were the first on scene, and I tried to bring him back. I tried CPR, but I knew it wouldn't work. Dad looked bored at the funeral. He was checking his watch and looking around. Asshole didn't comfort my mom. Lori did that. Then, couple months later, we got the call. I got to my parents' house, and he was there at the kitchen table, a smirk on his face and a drink in hand. He looked so smug. I asked him where mom was and he didn't say anything. Just took a sip of the damn whiskey. I heard noise upstairs and I tried to go up there. Shane held me back, telling me not to go into the bathroom. I pushed by him and went in anyways. There she was, in the tub. The water was red and everywhere. She took a razor and cut herself. I tried, just like I did with Jeff, but she was gone."

Lilly wipe away her own tears of empathy at the raw emotion he was displaying.

"Sorry."

As is in a fugue state, Rick continued. "Lori. She didn't put up with any crap my dad dished out. One year, it was when Carl was just a baby, my mom had Thanksgiving at her house. Dad got drunk and ordered Lori to get him his slippers, almost like a dog would. When she didn't move as fast as he wanted her, he told me to divorce her. He said he'd pay for it, but he wanted her gone. He said women should ask 'how high' whenever he said 'jump.' Lori's not like that. She doesn't put up with any crap. Lord knows I put her through hell."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just, the life of a cop. We see the worst of the worst. We're the first responders when something goes to shit. There was this car crash once, a teenager was texting and T-boned a minivan. The baby was ejected and landed twenty feet away. She landed head first. After seeing shit like that I'd come home and wouldn't want to talk. She'd take that as rejection. I tried, but she didn't understand. After a while she'd be okay with it, but I knew I should talk more."

Rick stood and went toward the window, his body whipcord tight and vibrating visibly. For the first time since she'd met him, Lilly could see the warrior that had been lying dormant. The one she knew was there. Nobody could do what the man standing before her had done, without becoming a fighter.

Lilly could feel the weight of his pain, even as she shuddered in fear over the mention of a pain she would never understand. the mention of the anguish that was so nightmarish, so terrifying that fear threatened to choke her.

She stood, and walked over, sliding in to the small space he'd left next to the window. Lilly saw the raw anguish and half-shed tears on his face and wrapped her arms around him.

Rick stood stiffly for a moment before his entire body began to shake; her arms engulfed him, and he dragged her to the floor with him as his legs gave way. She held on; her knees painfully smacked the floor, her legs folding under her gracelessly and in a way that was guaranteed to be equally painful later. But she refused to let go.

She rocked him back and forth, her shirt soaked with tears, like a child. She crooned nonsense, stroked his back, whispered that she was there but never once told him it would be alright. Her tears dampened the fabric of his shirt as the two held each other tightly.

It felt like hours later, and for all Rick knew it could have been; when he became aware of where he was and who was hugging him. He drew a ragged breath in through his mouth; it only served to emphasize how raw his throat was, and leaned back.

He was shocked to see that Lilly's face was covered in tears too. As that thought registered he could the damp cloth of his shirt clinging to his shoulder, and the nap of his neck. He didn't know what to say, he felt relived and uncomfortable all in the same breath.

Lori was…had been larger than life. Lori was…had been his life, and his joy. In truth, Rick often felt that Lori had made him human.

Lilly slid back a bit and leaned over, reaching for the box of tissues that rested on a nearby table. She didn't know what to say, she had never been such an intimate part of somebody's grief or felt so rewarded for being allowed to share it.

Rick gratefully accepted the offered tissue box; turned away, blew his nose and dried his eyes. He pushed himself back against the wall and watched as Lilly carefully moved her legs.

"So, what do we do now?" She asked calmly.

Rick opened his mouth to speak, but his lips trembled uncontrollably. He looked down, his vision blurred by unshed tears.

"I miss them. I miss them every second of every fucking day." He was drained; so, wrung out that his skin felt brittle. "Maybe I took her for granted. I wasn't raised in a normal family, but she was. Some people think a marriage is something you can just throw out when someone new comes along. I can't do that. Not after all we've been through."

"I know this sounds trite and you have heard it a million times before, but I am telling you the truth when I say you know deep within yourself that Lori wouldn't want you to live this way."


	20. Closer

The days of late summer gradually gave way to cooler temperatures as darkness fell outside the rustic cabin.

Alone with her in the mornings, he shifted between moody and quiet sullenness to sudden bursts of anger over things that seemed so insignificant that it left her emotionally drained. His demons, the storm that she'd seen in his eyes on the first night they'd spent in the cabin, was still there.

On the rare occasion when the two did interact, they managed to keep conversations neutral and friendly. As a result, a comfortable companionship began to develop between them.

Days were spent with Lilly at home tending to the children while Rick, the loose end of the rope in one hand and a pillowcase in the other, went scavenging for food. The food from the cabin was nearly exhausted.

* * *

There was a chill breeze in the room and the smell of the rain was thick in the air. She rolled over and saw that Rick was sitting in the open doorway, in semi-darkness, his back against the frame, watching the rain.

The gentle tapping of the rain against her window slowly pulled Lilly fully awake.

She stood from the couch and bundled the top blanket around her for warmth as she made her way quietly through the living room. She sat down across from him, leaning against the opposite side of the door frame. He glanced at her and smiled slightly before turning his eyes back to the storm.

The rain grew heavier and the room behind them plunged deeper into darkness, lit only by occasional flashes of lightning. The porch protected them from the downpour, but the wind blew a fine mist of rain against them and Lilly hugged the fleece fabric closer around her. Rick' eyes were closed, and he looked peaceful and happy.

"Sounds so peaceful" she whispered softly, her eyes closed.

She listened as boom of thunder rolled across the sky. "Yeah. Lori used to love it. Sometimes thunder would wake her up during the night. It was so good." He mumbled.

They were silent then, sitting together and watching the rain as it ebbed and flowed in silver sheets beyond the eaves of the porch. Lilly was thinking of her parents and friends and hoping they were at peace. Faces of her past co-workers and patients passed through her mind. She was so preoccupied that she didn't notice that Rick was now watching _her_ instead of the rain, nor did she see him frown as he studied her face.

The rain pelted down upon the tin roof of the cabin; a steady, rhythmic clatter. A gust of wind blew against the window, lashing the rain against the glass in long splatters that melded into one another. They ran down to the sill and out of view.

A heavy gust of wind made the cabin shudder on its foundation

Somewhere in the haze, Lilly felt Rick's arm circling around her waist, pulling her closer until their hips were touching. She closed her eyes and muffled the moan that nearly escaped and hoped that Rick was too preoccupied to notice just how much this was affecting her.

She was petite, hardly reaching to his shoulder. Her cinnamon hair was very short but stylish, smooth against her skull, and flattering to her shape. and Rick couldn't help but find her pale, freckled skin rather attractive.

He immediately pulled her close to him, they started kissing, as her tongue dove deep into his mouth. His grip on her waist tightened as he held her against him and enjoyed the feel of her breasts pressing against his chest. Her nipples were hard, her heartbeat steady but quickening.

His hand slithered down her back as she breathed warmly upon his face. Her eyes were closed as she focused on his hands. Her gasp was nearly inaudible as he slipped a finger into her body, her sultry sound a nice contrast to the long low rumble tumbling down from the sky.

Rick cradled the back of her neck and kissed her, his tongue pushing between her lips. The heat between them quickly swelled. His free hand pulled the strap of her bra down her shoulder, exposing her breast, and he caressed her in slow circles, gently squeezing. Rick could feel the trembling breath in her mouth, the goosebumps raise on her arms when she shuddered. She hummed and moved her head to the side to allow his mouth passage down her neck. He took her skin between his teeth, sucking and nibbling beneath her jawline, pressing a kiss to her ear.

Raw sexual need was written all over his face.

His kiss was ravenous, explosive, and she gave into her own desire almost immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck, plunging her fingers into his thick, soft hair. His tongue dove in and out of her mouth, insatiable, demanding, and she countered with her own tongue, savoring his taste.

His hands moved to the small of her back and pulled her flush against him; she could feel the hard evidence of his desire pushing through his jeans against her body. He returned one hand to her hair and yanked none too gently, tilting her head backwards to give himself impossibly deeper access to her mouth. His stubble rasped against her skin as he nibbled on her lower lip. An urgency began to build within Lilly, and she became aware of a tingling, throbbing feeling at the apex of her thighs.

* * *

Rick sat on the edge of the bed, his pants across the room and Lilly naked in front of him. He stared at her body and couldn't help but compare her to Lori.

She was petite and fuller figured than his wife.

She ran her hands down his chest before resting her forearms on his thighs. She teased his tip for just a moment, causing him to emit a low growl of pleasure.

The lips he had been looking at for weeks were now firmly wrapped around his member, his fingers wrapped in her hair. She leaned up to kiss him deeply, their tongues wrestling for domination.

He moaned as she licked his length while rubbing his balls. He opened his eyes to see Lilly take in his entire length with ease. She swirled her tongue around his tip, making his toes curl and a chill run down his spine.

"Lilly." He whispered.

She didn't need any more prompting, and moved to the bed, her legs outstretched to accept him.

* * *

Rick once again sat on the edge of the bed, this time his head bowed in embarrassment. Awkward silence blanketed the room, punctuated only by the sound of a slight breeze humming against the window.

Lilly sat with her back to the headboard, playing with a lock of her strawberry blonde hair.

The silence between them was deafening,

"These things happen, Rick. We can try again if you want." She whispered.

He quietly shook his head no.

"Alright. Well, if it's alright with you I'd like to get some rest."

Without a word, he stood and found his clothes, sliding them on before quietly leaving the bedroom.

The rain still pouring down outside, almost as if mother nature was trying to make him feel worse than he already did.

Darkness and silence.

It seemed fitting.


	21. Cracks in the foundation

Isolation, boredom and the endless monotony of not knowing what the day had in store for them wore on their nerves.

Lilly was getting impatient with Rick's constant leaving to gather supplies, wanting for him to just stay in the house for longer than it took to eat and sleep. She dared not bring up what she thought was an obvious comparison to his father, even though she never knew the man. However, she could feel the rage and resentment whenever she was around him.

She wanted to scream. All the weeks she spent tending to him while he was in the coma, and despite a friendly partnership they developed, she never felt as though she was appreciated or given the same kindness in return.

The day crept by until night settled around the cabin. Another day spent with two children, with no adult interaction.

She sat at the kitchen table, the place illuminated by a single candle. She missed the comforts of home. She'd settle for a lame reality show at this point, anything to get her mind of the endless cycle of doing nothing and loneliness.

Now, they were existing in the dark forest with only stringed cans for an alarm system.

Finally, she heard Rick's knock at the door. After he shut and locked it for the night he presented her with a pillowcase filled with canned soup.

"There's this home, about ten miles down the road. I got what I could. I'll go back tomorrow for some more." He said gruffly, without making eye contact.

"I think I'd like to go. Getting cabin fever." She replied.

"No." He said flatly. "It's not safe out there alone. You should know better."

The words weren't meant to hurt, but they did.

She stood and started to leave the room, but Rick grabbed onto her arm tightly.

"Let go of me", Lilly spat, but he shook his head no.

"No, you stay here. It's not safe." There was a hint of a warning in his voice. A notice Lilly didn't appreciate.

They stared at one another for a long time, Lilly studying Rick and Rick studying Lilly. He looked weary and resigned, and Lilly felt a twinge of guilt strike her heart. He was only trying to keep them safe, and yet she had been nothing but difficult.

Suddenly, his body was on fire…not with any feelings of love he may have had for her, but with a burning, ravenous lust. He wanted to taste her lips and feel her hands on him...wanted to hear her cry out his name in ecstasy.

Their mouths crashed together, and it became a frenzy to remove each other's clothes as they made their way to the back bedroom.

Their kiss roughened when she unbuckled his belt and he stepped out of his jeans. He crawled over Lilly and ground against her, rubbing himself against the damp lace between her thighs. She hummed in delight as he held her hands above her head and pressed kiss after kiss down the center of her body, down until he reached her stomach and yanked her underwear from her hips.

Lilly moaned when he entered her. She was warm, so slick and tight that Rick cursed into her neck. He kissed her jaw and growled possessively as he thrust into her. Her little sounds were intoxicating.

She began to move. Lilly rolled her hips, planting her hands on his chest to lift and drop down, lower lip between her teeth, eyes closed. She held his face and leaned down to kiss him. Rick took her mouth and slipped his hand into her hair again, gripping hard on that perfect strawberry blonde. Her chest rubbed against his and she moved faster, but not fast enough to bring her over the edge. He propped up his knees and wrapped his free arm around her back to buck his hips up to hers. Lilly whined, resting her forehead on his, mouths close. Rick felt her breath on his face and held tighter to her hair, pulling, thrusting up into her as she made wonderful noises for him. She hugged him as he sped inside her until they were both sore. She regained control and rode him while he brushed the hair from her forehead. They shared a kiss before Rick flipped her on her back.

He felt her come hard around him, gripping the sheets as the orgasm rushed over her. Her entire body shook as he started to pant heavily, his heart racing fast.

Rick and Lilly made love so thoroughly that the nurse found her peak again and again, sobbing his name, body wound tight. It left her a mess, a perfect, happy, disheveled shell of a girl, but she was so blissful that Rick came moments after she'd collected herself.

Rick lay on the bed, staring with wide eyes deep into the nothingness, and listened to Lilly's breathing until it slowed and changed as sleep found her. He knew, that very moment, that nothing would ever be the same again.

Beside him, Lilly slept. Her back was to him, her body sprawled, one of her legs sticking back and her foot brushing his calf. She shifted in her sleep, making the blankets came apart and her nudity reminded him of what happened just hours ago.

Rick edged away. The urge to curl himself along her body and taste the sweetness of her skin was too strong, so he slipped out of bed, grabbed his clothes and dressed quickly before moving leaving the room to check on the still sleeping children before spending the rest of the early morning on the couch.

Morning came far too soon, as far as Lilly was concerned.

By the time Rick made his way to the kitchen where Lilly was cooking, the sun was well up. It shone through the window above the sink, settling in warm patches of light across the wooden floor. It was a cheery morning, but it seemed to darken somehow with his entrance, and the uncomfortable silence between the two of them.

Lilly and Rick sat across from each other at the small table in the cabin. Neither spoke, their minds focused inwardly and thinking over what needed to happen that day.

Rick found himself replaying the previous night in his head from a different vantage point. He hadn't forced her. She'd been willing, he had been sure of that. She had kissed him back, she had touched him, and let him touch her.

Her eyes drifted to Rick, who caught her glance and held it – and for an instant, the world around him seemed to flow in silent, slow motion.

But his mood on this morning was sullen, and there were dark smudges beneath his eyes. He watched his fingers as they picked nervously at his ragged nails. He still hadn't said a word.

He mumbled soft 'thanks' and picked up the fork, pushing at the eggs, but not eating.

The only sound at the table was the clink of forks stabbing and shoveling food. It was an uneasy silence, broken only by the dinnerware and the furtive glances cast between the two. The quiet was almost unbearable for Lilly. Rick hadn't said a word the entire time, and his face was unreadable.

"I'm gonna make a supply run." He blurted out, just to break the painful stillness.

"Don't you _dare_ run off again!" she shouted.

"Wait, what's going on? I gotta do stuff to keep you and the kids safe. You don't understand what it's like. You may think you do, but you don't."

"You're right, Rick, I _don't_ understand! I don't understand because you never _talk_ to me! Make me understand!"

In frustration, he beat against the table with his closed fists, shaking the plates. A pot, hanging on the wall in the kitchen, fell and clattered noisily to the floor.

"Please, Rick, just _talk_ to me!"

He paused, and with ice in his veins he stared at the woman.

"What was that?"

"I said make me understand. You're never here. When you are, it's like you're in your own world. You never say a damn word. Just speak. How hard can that be?"

"This isn't happening." He said to himself as he stood, one hand clenched into a fist and the other pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You're right. It's not happening. Last night was a mistake. Do you even care about me and the kids at all?"


	22. Hello Again

There was a noticeable coolness in the air, a hint of the changing seasons to come. They started on foot, wanting to find something safer than the cabin or a place with more people.

They walked in uncomfortable silence, taking turns holding each child. Rick had set a quick pace, and with his longer stride, Lilly was forced to half jog to keep up. She wished he would slow down, or at least _say_ something, but every attempt at conversation she had tried had ended in one or two-word answers. He was so focused on worrying about things they had little or no control over, she wasn't sure he would notice if she was there or not. Rick still glanced nervously over his shoulder every so often, his eyes wary, scanning for signs of movement behind them.

They argued about going off on foot, but since the food in the cabin was depleted, Rick was more concerned about being trapped in the cabin with Lilly, especially when the weather changed.

* * *

Since their one night of intimacy the two became emotionally distant, squabbling of trivial matters. Their existence had not been cheerful, easy, or tender. Moments together were tenuous at best. Just a week earlier, they explored and experimented with one another's bodies with a freedom neither had felt before. Yet those feelings were long abandoned, replaced with hostility and resentment.

But while the memory of that night was very much present inside both their minds, neither heeded nor made any mention to it. It was so emotionally dangerous neither of them wanted to touch it for fear of facing the fact that their entire relationship was built upon a teetering house of cards, one that must one day inevitably come tumbling down.

* * *

Rick tried to keep his emotions in check when they came upon the familiar hotel.

"This can't be happening." He mumbled to himself.

He froze in place, ice pouring down his spine. There were several vehicles in the front parking lot of the hotel. A red Dodge Challenger with black stripes, a white minivan with "Holy Cross Lutheran Church" written on the side, a black jeep, and more importantly, a 1973 Winnebago Chieftain.

Movement caught his attention, and he turned his head to the window on the far right on the fifth floor. A muscular, red haired man with a shotgun, had his weapon pointed at the group of four.

The front door opened and two men, one wearing a knit cap and an older man with white hair walked out. Each had a shotgun aimed at him.

"Get on the ground, son. Keep your hands where I can see 'em." Hershel demanded.

Rick handed Luke to Lilly before he showed his empty hands and did as he was instructed, wanting to say hello to Ty and Hershel, but no daring to.

"My name is Rick Grimes. I was the Sheriff in King's County. My partner was Shane Walsh and my wife is named Lori. We have a son named Carl."

He pushed the palms of his hands against the ground and raised his head, trying to look Hershel or Ty in the eyes. He noticed the two men were bewildered.

"Have you seen my wife? Carl? My family?"

Another man, holding a crossbow and arrow trained on Rick, walked out and down the first few steps before Ty told him to get Shane and Lori.

Rick almost cried with relief, knowing they were okay.

What seemed like an eternity later, he heard footsteps echoing from the hardwood floor in the lobby.

"Oh, my God! Oh my God!" Lori shrieked, as she bounded down the steps just as Rick was getting to his feet.

They crashed into each other, hands grasping at the fabric of their shirts and fistful of hair on their heads as their mouths melting into one.

"I'm dreaming. Please. Rick. Oh my God."

"I'm here, baby."

He gripped onto her tighter as she almost collapsed.

"I'm here." He repeated, as he started to let the tears fall. "I was so worried about you."

"Dad!" He heard Carl yell, and the boy seemed to leap from the front door to the ground and ran to hold his father.

Just as it was in the quarry so long ago, the three Grimes were reunited, holding each other as the tears flowed freely.

Sudden, shattering relief flooded over Rick as he gathered his family in his arms. They were alive. They were safe. And he was never going to let them go.

* * *

After the Grimes family was reunited, and Lori's swollen belly was not just noticed but almost revered by her husband, he asked, "Is this the secret you told me about?"

She looked dumbfounded and confused.

"I could hear, you, baby. I couldn't talk or move, but I could hear everything. You told me that you'll make a deal with me, that if I wake up you have a secret for me." He placed one hand on her lower back and the other on her stomach, holing it firmly.

She nodded her head.

"They said people were gonna stay at the hospital even when they evacuated us. They musta abandoned the place right after we left." Shane spoke, as the two partners embraced.

"C'mon inside, bro. We got a good group."

Rick could feel a slight wave of tension between his wife and his friend. He knew. Maybe things will be different. But at that point, he didn't care.

Rick had to blink back tears as he walked into the familiar lobby. Everything was the same. The sofas were arranged just as they were when he was here the first time and a warm fire glowed in the fireplace. This time was different. There was no unpleasant mood of awkwardness, no hostility. This was the family they should have had so long ago.

"Alright…let me show you around. Red over there, that's Abe. That's his wife Ellen and kids, AJ and Becca. This is Carol and her girl Sophia. That's Jacqui, she's the heart of our family. Over there's T-Dogg. That's Hershel, his daughters Maggie and Beth, her boyfriend Daryl, Maggie's boyfriend Glenn, Big guy is Tyreese Williams, that's his sister Sasha. Dreds is Michonne, and her little boy is Andre, around her somewhere, probably getting into shit with Allen's boys, Bill and Ben, all three of 'em are toddlers. Bob is around, he's a doctor. You met Hershel already, he's a combat medic. Golden Pond hat is Dale. That's the brains of our group, Eugene. Merle is around here somewhere. That's Daryl's brother."

Rick's mind was swimming as he was trying to act as though he was just meeting people he felt he had known for a year.

Handshakes were exchanged with the men, half-embraces and air kisses with the women.

He cast a long look at the man with black hair.

"That's Phillip. He was Governor of Tennessee. He met up with us when he was headed from DC back home. That's his daughter Penny, and wife Denise."

Rick froze in place when he saw a familiar face waltz into the room.

As soon as Andrea entered the room, Shane made his exit. "Hey, bro. Lemmie get you some water. That my friend, Andrea." He said flatly, without a smile on his face, and walked away without looking at the woman.

"Friend?" She barked after him.

"Whatthefuckever" he mumbled as he walked away.

"Hi, Nick, is it? I'm Andrea Harrison. I was a defense attorney in Fulton County before the world ended."

"Rick. Good to meet you." He said, offering his hand for a greeting and to have her keep her distance.

Shit…

"Dad, Ty taught me how to throw a football!" Carl exclaimed, bursting at the news they had a professional football player in their company.

"That's awesome, bud." Rick shared in his son's excitement. He made eye contact with the man in the wool cap and offered a warm smile.

"Did someone step in dog shit? I mean, it really stinks in here."

Rick noticed the tension that immediately arose between his wife and the blonde.

"I guess I do need a shower." Rick grimaced.

"Here, come with me." Lori smiled, as she led him towards the room she and Carl shared.

* * *

When he got into the bathroom he shut the door, took off his gun belt, emptied his pockets and peeled off his clothes. He put his Colt on the bathroom sink and looked in the mirror. He was taken aback at what he looked like. His eyes were sunken in, his face was obscured by his beard, and his hair was to his shoulders.

Turning on the knobs for the stall shower he swallowed another two mouthfuls of the cold beverage before stepping into let the hot water, letting it rain down on him and wash away months of walker blood, dirt, sweat, and shit. His stare didn't move from the floor of the tub, watching as the filthy, soapy water finally ran clear.

"Want some company?" He heard a familiar voice ask.

"Shoot me if I ever say no to that question." He chuckled, as he extended his hand to help her into the tub.

The fire between them was kindled by time and togetherness, solidifying his promise to her.

Rick held her face the first moment he could. He kissed her hard. She wrapped her arms tightly around his body as though she knew how much he needed her.

"Shh, it's okay." Lori whispered, as if she knew what Rick was thinking. He wrapped his arms around his wife, holding her close, the warm water pounding down on them. "It doesn't matter, I'm here, you're here, and here is all that matters."

Lori bit down hard on her lip when Rick started to kiss her neck, collarbones and shoulders.

"I..." Lori started, but trailed off with a tiny gasp when Rick moved his focus to her neck, peppering the ivory skin with nips and kisses. She made a small noise of protest when he drew back. He smiled to himself as Lori kissed his jaw, and then his neck, sucking a careful bruise into the flesh there.

Lori moved to kiss him again, pressing their lips together sweet, and this time, Rick had no intention of letting her go. He let the kisses deepen, his cheeks growing hot as he licked Lori's tongue, earning a little moan as he did so.

Once the water was turned off, Rick handed Lori a towel before taking his own and drying off. He wrapped the cloth around his hips and stepped out of the tub, holding her hand tightly as she climbed out.

Rick placed his hands-on Lori's slim hips and walked her back towards the bed. Their lips fell together, not separating once.

"You're beautiful." He whispered.

Her pale lips parted slightly, and Rick took the hint and leaned down again to kiss them, bracing himself with a hand on either side of Lori's lower back. When he moved to pull back, Lori moved her hands to cup his face.

"I missed you." Lori spoke quietly. "You have no idea."

Rick smiled, "Yeah, I do. I missed this." He squeezed her. "I missed YOU, so much it drove me crazy." He kissed her shoulder. Rick cupped her face. " I can't lose you again." He rasped.

He kissed her. Lori returned it with force, draping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. He cupped her breasts, giving each nipple attention from his mouth while Lori whimpered.

Keeping their gazes locked, he nibbled on the inside of her thigh, so close to the juncture. She lay back completely, closing her eyes, feeling his warm breath right at her heat before she felt him open her folds, her heart drumming madly in anticipation, and his tongue finally touched her, trailing a path from her opening to her nub. She moaned loudly at the feel of his mouth on her, and her eyes sprang open.

Rick eased slowly inside her, reacting from the heat he was buried in, wet and warm and deep and _her._ He stroked her hairline with his thumb and kissed her gently. They didn't say anything when his pace resumed. Lori's moans and Rick's sighs broke the silence, a wordless confession all their own. He cherished her, touched her, kissed her, and brought her inside himself as he was inside her. It was more than just sex. It was lovemaking. Lovemaking with the only one you love.

His breath against her flesh was a rapid-fire arousal. Every ripple of muscle, touch of his fingers, and movement she stirred in him seemed to deepen her own deepest desire. He held her as though she was the most important woman in the world. After a sweet, longing climax they collapsed into each other.

In a tangle of giggles and sighs, husband and wife laid together on the bed. Rick kissed down Lori's body, stopping for a moment where their child was growing, she looked at her husband with adoration, gentleness and pure love in her eyes.

She draped her arms around his neck as he bent down to nuzzle against her cheek. He was surrounded by the soft silk of her hair and the lingering scent of strawberry shampoo filled his senses.

As his face was buried between her swollen breasts, he recognized the necklace he gave her on their wedding day, his wedding ring securely attached.

"I'm so glad you saved this for me. I felt naked without it."

She slid the silver wedding band onto his finger, feeling as though he should say something, but not able to find words that did justice to her love for him.

"Please don't think we left."

"I understand. I trust Shane. You, Carl and our baby are alive because of what he did."

"Rick, baby, you're shaking."

"The past couple months. I've been so worried about finding you and Carl, and getting here in one piece I guess I haven't had time to be scared."

"I love you, Lori. I always have. Please know that."

He used his thumb to wipe away the tears that pushed themselves out of her eyes and towards her hairline.

* * *

They remained in the room together after their interlude. Both put on fresh clothes and she waited while he shaved, revealing the handsome face she loved.

He turned on the tap to rinse his face with warm, clean water before walking back to the bedroom. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing her wet hair with a towel.

"Back still buggin' you?" He asked.

"A little." Yeah." She answered as she rolled her shoulders. "I feel like I'm ready to pop."

"I found you both." He smiled.

"Yeah."

"I knew I would."

He felt his wife relax under his hands as he rubbed her shoulders in a circular motion. Her cheek rested on the back of his hand, a small, tender moment that didn't need words.

"You're getting cocky now, a little bit." She replied with a smirk.

"No. No, I knew. Walking into our home, finding an empty house, both of you gone…"

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, on the verge of tears.

"I knew you were alive."

"How?"

"The photo albums were gone"

"I'm so sorry."

"All our family albums. I told you so."

"Now you're getting cocky, huh? A lot. Baby, I really thought I would never see you again. I'm so sorry for everything. I feel like When you were in the hospital, I just I wanted to take it all back. The anger and the bad times. But the mistakes…"

He silenced her with a kiss, his lips gently brushing against hers. "Maybe we got a second chance. Not many people get that."

Rick pulled her in close, his hand running through her hair, arms tight around her. "I was so worried about you," he whispered. He kissed her head softly, as Lori let herself lean onto him.

Emotions he didn't want to address clawed at his chest and settled in his throat, the thrumming beat of his heart only wrenching the pain deeper.

"I missed you." He repeated, his voice registered just barely above a whisper. "When I was in the coma I had this dream. It was so weird. I turned into my dad and treated you real bad." He choked back a sob before continuing. "I was so scared. I thought my mom and Jeff would be walking out of their graves. I thought I'd see 'him' again."

"Wait…it's alright. You're not him, and you'll never be him. You're a good man, and a man I'm proud to call my husband."

Tears streaked down his cheeks when she cupped his face, pulling him closer for a tender kiss.


End file.
